Awaken...

Although my demeanor this morning seems to reflect that I'm in a funk, I actually feel like I am blossoming, awakening. And maybe I do feel a little funky trying to wiggle out of that tight cocoon. But that hint of light shining in feels soooo good.

Sure there is fear of the unknown and fear of the known. Fresh fear. The kind of fear that gets you somewhat excited and little anxious.

I feel like apart of the world is saying, hey wake up, come out and play.

And as I go through, there is no presence of loneliness, because my future is within site, and ever present.

Off...

I cried and begged to be off from the plantation. And said if only I could have a few days to myself, I could recoup and live life! But after having 4 1/2 days off I don't feel any different than if I had worked.

Am I ungrateful?

I actually feel a little tired. So now I can scratch free days off the list of things that will improve my quality of life, lol. Well maybe not scratch it completely off, but move it down the list.

Sheesh...so now the quality not quantity factor is living true blue. Dammit!
Every time I try to take the easy route, I get kicked off it back to f'n reality!

So let me grateful and try to think about what the BEST part of my days off was.

*
I'm still thinkin...
*
*
Still thinkin...
*
*
*
Ah hah! I know! It was the purchase of a new plant. I originally wanted a bonsai, but I found a delightful replacement for a third of the price. Yay! Hey it's not often that you actually get what you've been looking for. It now sits proudly on my dining room table. As I ate my cereal, I actually looked admiringly at it. I know, I know, that's lot going on for a plant purchase, but hey it is what it is.

So that's it.
No more whining from me about days off.
My new focus is making the best of the time I have.

Quality...or bust!

HOT OFF THE PRESS... I just found out that my substitute Bonsai, is actually a bonsai, just a different kind. Life is grand!

Do people change...

When people say they'll change. Are they really going to?

I mean...I've never heard anyone say ooohhh, they used to beat me, but not anymore. Or they used to verbally abuse me, but not anymore...They've changed!

Words are SO overrated these days, I don't even know whey we still use them . I guess all the talking is a pacifier until one can act, or pretend to act.

If you have to remind someone to treat you right or respect you, should you even be with them. Or should you keep reminding them and try to work it out.

I would say that offense one is to repeatedly treat someone some kind of way in the first place. I mean we're all entitled to a mistake or two. But does multiple offenses invoke some type of guilty plea.

Because to me, I begin to think that the way you act, is how you want to act. How you want to present yourself. How you want that person to be treated. Am I wrong?

Because to me, you wouldn't even do those things. You would think, dag, I don't want that person to be treated that way. Especially when you KNOW that they don't want to be treated like that.

So why do people do it. I say it's because they want to...

Checkin' in...

Umm, I feel nauseous.

There is this overwhelming feeling for me to regurgitate everything that's in me.
Maybe it would be symbolic. A way for me getting rid of all the sht I've "eaten" these last couple of years.

I want to go home and crawl in the bed.

I'm in yet another fcked up situation, where everyone is looking at me like, "what's your problem sister, who the fck are you to have standards".

I really want to throw up.

Have I asked for too much from the World?

This is why people just settle for that bundle of low self-esteem, because having self-esteem is too much work. It's like a promise to make yourself a fighter for the rest of your life.

I always meet people who proclaim to be completely clueless to their actions. And when I say people, I mean people from work, associates, family, etc. But then when I'm demanding, I get nothing in return.

Ugh! I'm so stressed. I swear, I just want to be happy or some equivalent!!!!!

I'm honestly am starting to believe that I wasn't placed on this Earth to be happy. I'm here just to be. I've always thought it, but now I'm starting to believe it.

I'm not a beneficiary in this lifetime...

Tap out...

Tap out... is a term for yielding to the opponent, and hence resulting in an immediate defeat.

Why is it that people seldom tap out upon getting those very generous warnings of defeat? Is it because they're just so steadfast or is it out of fear.

Relationships require one of the most difficult "tapping out" processes out there. Because you sit and think dayum, am I being too difficult, too demanding, too selfish. People definitely consider tenure, like dayum we have all these years in, blah, blah, blah. And out of shear desperation or optimism, we think, humm maybe we can work it out.

Now, either I'm a quiter or a dayum realist, because I gets in and gets out. And I don't think it's fear based. I think that I carefully assess the give and take in a relationship and try to exhaust my giving before I provide my partner with a bona fide fck it, lol.

But now as we get older, the sht becomes more difficult, more involved and possibly a lot more at risk, emotionally, financially, etc.

It's so hard to even assess your relationship because you have to first assess yourself. I currently am really trying to figure out why the "gods" have placed me in my current relationship. It's a very dynamic relationship. There is a lot going on in it. Stuff that's within our control and stuff that's not. I'm focused on the stuff that I feel I am not in control of.

I HONESTLY feel like I was placed in this relationship, regardless of whether or not I wanted to be there or not. So I'm like okay, what and where the fck is the lesson cause there is some major weirdness going on.

Even on the days I want to quit, I can't quite do it. And I really don't think that it's me that's holding me back or her that's holding me in. It just is what it is.

But there are those days when I sit and think, come on now universe this can't be what I'm supposed to be going through.

And the hopeless woman in me sometimes (rarely) thinks dayum, if it ends what do I have to look forward to. The dating game is fcked and has been fcked ever since I became apart of it. I think dayum, I am going to be alone, which isn't so bad until you add the forever piece, lol.

So what the fck do you do, wait it out, force yourself to say fck it? I really don't know. But more and more I begin to think that relationships just aren't for me. I just don't operate well in them.

So what is the universe telling me. That I'm supposed to spend this lifetime alone.
Or that I just haven't found where I'm supposed to be...

30...

I woke up this morning and put on close to stylish apparel. I say close because I was having a major shoe crisis and I didn't have any appropriate hair clips to properly accessorize myself. I'll give myself a pass on the hair because thanks to ceramic flat irons, my bad days are good. But the foot factor was questionable. A sweater with a collared shirt underneath and corduroys (the kind that look winterized, not 1970ish), I was somewhat impressed with my choice of colors. But then I dared to put on a pair of boots that tipped me right over to 30 years of age.

Not that 30 years old is old or a bad thing. Like Jay said, 30 is the new 20, right? I speak more of that mental 30. Where you transition from fashionable to convenient. Where clothes become something that you put on your back. Where you loose your creative sense of style. Ahhhhh...
So I politely ask my one and only, "do these boots make me look 30", she politely and disgustedly answers, "yes" and walks away.

People. That made me want to rage against the fckn machine, reclaim my youth, my adventure so in retaliation, what did I do...I slapped on a pair of Adidas. I said to myself, that will show them! She walks by again and asks "are you wearing those". So I went into the other room and removed my retro Top Tens and put on my work sneaks and packed my pointy flats.

Got dammit!

Now I'm dressed for work, looking more Fall '99, than hip. How disappointing. I feel like a bum.

If I don't fix this pre-30, I'm doomed for post-30. And I only have a few more minutes left to fix these close calls.

Why is life so complicated! Lol.

Women's Work...

I recently joined a women's group. I kind of found out about it by accident. At some point or another I gave my email to a holistic wellness center. I began getting emails out of the blue about different events and meetings. Any hoo, I decided to check out the meeting for a newly starting "women's group". Now that I think about it, I don't know why in the world I'd do such a thing.

The first night I went, there were women there of varying ages and ethnicities. We discuss the purpose of the group, which was simply to share and address our feelings with each other and with ourselves. From the beginning, the level of comfort and dynamics of the room were amazing.

To get to the point, I went last night and couldn't even make it past our "checking in" intro. I was overwhelmed. I was the first to start my "work". Looking back, I'm embarrassed. Even with all of the love in the room. I guess being vulnerable can be shameful for some. Vulnerable is what I felt like too because people have now seen me very close to my lowest of lows. But we all shared, we all experienced, we all had the sullen look of wanting to be fixed.

I want to be fixed. Let me rephrase, I want to stay glued together.

It's weird how you can find something within a group of complete strangers that's hard to find in already established family or friends. It's almost like we were all brought together for a reason.

This entry isn't arranged very well, or at least the way I'd like, but it does allow me to share tidbits of my experience. Which is good enough.

Thanks for listening.

Damn...

Damn.

I done did it again. I'm jammed up. I joined a group that I know longer want to be apart of. And why not make it more interesting by resting my whole livelihood around it. The last 2 times this happened, my escape was long and torturous, this time around, I'm not sure what it'll be. I'd actually am not out to set the record straight or to make others miserable, I just want what I deserve.

I mean, you try to do the right thing, just to find out that what you're doing doesn't matter one way or another. You're just for show, a front, a scapegoat even. The sht fcks my mind up every time I think about it. So day after day, I commit and feel useless. But I can't even reveal that I know it's all a game, I must play until I leave. Because once you're discovered, you're gone anyway.

I've never been good at being phoney, that's actually on my list of weaknesses. Because now days if you can't fake it, you aint gonna make it. Maybe that's why I'm not making it too good. I keep trying to swim up stream, but that current gets overwhelming, son. So these days, I've been walking around with half a mask, letting my inner feelings be partially exposed. That's the best I can do. I don't even want the other half of the mask, it stinks.

But stink is the perfume of success...