Prego...

Today I ordered my chicken pattie and went to the African store a few doors down. I was on the first level and moseyed on up to the top level to look at the assortment of masks and sculptures. This particular one struck me and it was for the low price of $179. That's alot of money for me because I can be pretty cheap. Anyway, it jumped out at me and said, please buy me now. It was the torso of a pregnant woman. It was so striking to me. I asked the dude how long it had been sitting there and he said about 2 years. I wanted to see whether or not it was a hot commodity and apparently it was not. Which made me wonder about my taste and why I'd pick something that no one apparently wanted. But as I held it and eye-balled it. It was like "Yes dammit get me".

As he told me about it's Tanzanian history, it intrigued me a little more. He was like, we also have lay-a-way. I'm like "Word". Great. But being on a monthly pay period and just making it to the end of the month was already challenging. But this piece was worn at night by women who wished to be pregnant. I'm like, is this a sign. Do I want to be pregnant? Do I want to wear this at night? If I buy it will I become pregnant by immaculate conception? Who knows.

Maybe this piece has been waiting for me to come and get it. After looking at other pieces I realized how much I love the woman form. It's beauty, it's function, it's everything. When I see a woman's body, I see the strength without the muscle. The real strength of the Earth. I love women. And I loved that the torso of a pregnant woman, uttered nothing but shear strength and beauty to me.

I think I'm going to capture that beauty...

Free Fall...

Whoa, I’m in a not so good mood. I think that it’s because my world isn’t right.
I am busted and disgusted. She’s out of sight and hugely out mind. And I don’t know if that’s for the betterment of our relationship or not.

I don’t know what I’m going to say or do when I see her. I know what frame of mind I’ve placed her in, but past experiences have shown that I’m typically wrong when I draw conclusions while “in my world”. My way of coping with that is to not think about it. Bad idea…I know.

This consortium of feelings that I have is overwhelming. I feel like she swung Pandora’s Box wide the hell open. And now the sht is out of both of our hands. The thing about sht like this is that there is no going back. I’m not trying to force anything, but there is something bubbling inside me that refuses to subside. I actually fought with it this weekend, feeling so overwhelmed, like never before. I feel like I’m about to go and figuratively jump off a cliff. The high alone makes it worth it. But the final stage is either a saving grace or death’s door.

Oh well, because I’ve spent my whole life safety netting myself. This time it’s a free fall.

Bridge to No Where...

How is it that one day you imperfect life is the best thing since sliced bread? And moments later your imperfect life is a disaster. I am an internal wreck. All caused by one person, possibly two people. I think my conflict comes in with my approach for resolve. One end of me is totally like whatever, “you do you Imma do me” all while being disguised as we. But the other half of me can’t even conceive the state of mind it took to create this mess. Nah, I can’t and that’s what keeping me on this “live and let live” aspect. I always try to understand people. And I can’t understand this. It’s heinous. And there is no way on Earth that it’s an accident. And with that said I’ve got to move on. And in the middle of all of this other drama too! It’s like what were you thinking. No…really, what was literally on your mind.

I can’t dig it. I can’t. This isn’t even about forgiveness. It’s about just looking at what two people have going on. And my view lets me know that I’ve been clearly abused and taken for granted. I think the more peaceful thing is that it’s not even what I want to do. I feel like a spirit is telling me that I have to move on. I don’t know where this path will lead me and I’m not confident that it will go anywhere that I’m interested in, but one thing for sure is that I’m going…

No Disrespect...

Like is fcked up! Fcked up I say!

You have to make all of these weird decisions that can make or break your life.
I hate the fact that you deciding to accept something so painful, can either be the worst decision or best decision of your life. I am so confused. I don't know sht from a savior. All I know is I've been trying to love Love and that bitch just doesn't like me! I can't even get lust down packed. I'm a mess.

I don't take pride in this, but that last few muthafckers I've dealt with have all said that I was the best GF they've had, or I'm going to make the best GF. Well yippy. And all I've seen is misery. I haven't met anyone where I'm like dayum! I don't even deserve this motherfcker. Why can't I get that? Why can't I be given far above my willingness to give.

I'm convinced that life is trying to kill me. Otherwise it wouldn't be pushing me to the limit.

I'll wrap this sht up, cause I just can't do it...

Emerge and See...

I just started taking Emergen-C, the acclaimed immune helper outter. I've been battling a cold, from my dastardly co-workers who continue to come to work sick. And I have recently run out of my Chinese Yin Chow pills. You see, I've been trying to not only fight the germ monster, but the bad energy monster as well.

I'm very open to alternative forms of staying healthy. I think I'm on to something with my pills and this Emergen-C has gotten some good reviews. I'm on my second packet, so we'll see. However, I don't know how lucky I've been on the energy monster. My girlfriend is going through an early life crisis and is a total mess.

Although life keeps telling the btch to change, she just won't do it. I mean I won't steal her progress, because she has been taking some steps. But she just sits and lets everything get under her skin. Today the whining got so bad, that I wanted to leave work. Instead I chose to go and get some Emergen-C. Which helped. So instead of me wanting her to loose my number for the next 24-hours, she can just loose it for the next 4-5 hours. Lol.

Boy! Has it been rough. I have so much on my plate and the last thing I'm trying to do is let them fall. So I've been really trying to pay attention to my needs and rock out, the right way. I'm choosing balance over blasphemy. Sleep versus slipping. Hooray over headache. And all of that good sht.

I hope this lasts because I'm not forcing it. It's just how a btch feels. I have things I'm trying to achieve and I just want to play my position.