How high...

Have you ever had dreams so big for yourself that the thought of
obtaining them is scary. That's how I feel now. I'm so used to
struggle and defeated progress that when doors open up, I get nervous. Like real nervous, almost quitter nervous. I mean, I'm used to grinding with little or no reward. But what I'm not used to is sht working out. It's like now days my life is operating on some sht like, oh you want that, here you go. I mean, it's not a complete hand out, but my ideas and wants are becoming more and more actual.

Okay, for example...I'm trying to get this certification. Number one- it costs a grip to even apply, number two- I barely meet the qualifications and number three- everyone doesn't have it. Now, one day before the application is due, I'm getting cold feet. I mean the application is very involved because I have to justify my work experience, so I've been tackling that for days. But as I finalize my answers, I'm doubting myself, like what are you doing, why are you doing, and who is going to care. I mean I haven't even gotten to the studying part yet and I'm here scared to death.

Also, I am coming closer and closer the type of work I want to do. But I become fearful as employers show interest in me. I'm like humm, maybe I should sit still or nahh they aint gonna pay me that. Are they? It's amazing. I've been down in da gutter so long, it's like home. It's all I know. It's like positive sht is scary because it's unfamiliar. I'm like whoa...I was/am trapped by the psychological chains of slavery. My slavery. My mental abuse that has profited everyone but me. That's deep. Too deep for me. Own like sad deep, cause that sht at the end of the day just sounds plain sad, with trace amounts of deep.

But I'm here. I'm doin' it. And I guess I'm loving it. I forge forward, with no pep talks, no team spirit, just the power of me. But I guess that last sentence isn't all true, because I didn't completely acknowledge the power of me, until I discovered the power of we. Without her, without us, I don't know where I would be right now. Hmpf, I guess she was another dream come true.

Man...love life, love yourself, and love others. I guess those three are one in the same.
Sht, own even know how to close this...so I believe a simple "peace out" will suffice.

So PEACE OUT!!!

El Natural...

Over the weekend I decided that I was going to "go natural". I decided to do this while I was in the strenuous process of straightening my hair. Excited and proud as I wanted to be, I inform my girlfriend. This idea seemed to tickle her. She says... what are you talking about, you don't have a perm, your hair IS natural, and y'own even have "black hair". Hmpf. In my eyes, if you can get a fro (which I can), you got black hair. Hence, Afro-American, duhhh...

I sat and questioned myself. I'm like self, why ARE you straightening your hair. And the answers weren't pretty. They all revolved around not wanting to be judged by people; people who can't even relate to my hair. Fear that I'll look less professional. I didn't even realize that my thoughts were based primarily off of the judgements of others. But I'm no total conformist, I realized that wearing my hair curly (it's natural state) entails alot more work than wearing it straight. It's alot of work, work I'own like to do.

None-the-less, I'm going to figure out how to make it easy. Cause in a few weeks I'll be marching into work wit my BR suit and my kinky twist.

Power to the people!

Rigid...

Whoa...

I had a total flash back of my old self. Yesterday after one thing was sprung on me, I fckin freaked out. And it wasn't until I started talking out loud that I realized that I freaked out. It fcked my night up and my morning. And a PMSing girlfriend didn't help, but I was loosing it. So now that I'm back on earth I feel a little better.

And actually when I look back (a ripe 18 hours), I realize that I am stressing about alot more than the bullsht I've been crying over. I guess we all become rigid sometimes. Because being set in our ways and staying true to that becomes all that we have. Shoot. I know me is all I really have. Well I shouldn't say that. But you know what I mean. If I don't take care of me, I can't allow anyone else to, or help anyone else. So I at least have to stay above the surface.

But yeah, I'm aight now. And honestly looking back...I think I had a slow panic attack, lol. Do they exist? Hum. And like I was saying I DO have alot on my mind. I have alot of sht that I'm trying to do. And I have the pressure of wanting to do it right the first time around. A btch tryna make moves. So all that moving gave me motion sickness.

Aight, so maybe this shouldn't have been entitled "Rigid", maybe I should have called it "Slow Panic Attack, cause I got sht goin on in my life"....

*shrug*