How high...

Have you ever had dreams so big for yourself that the thought of
obtaining them is scary. That's how I feel now. I'm so used to
struggle and defeated progress that when doors open up, I get nervous. Like real nervous, almost quitter nervous. I mean, I'm used to grinding with little or no reward. But what I'm not used to is sht working out. It's like now days my life is operating on some sht like, oh you want that, here you go. I mean, it's not a complete hand out, but my ideas and wants are becoming more and more actual.

Okay, for example...I'm trying to get this certification. Number one- it costs a grip to even apply, number two- I barely meet the qualifications and number three- everyone doesn't have it. Now, one day before the application is due, I'm getting cold feet. I mean the application is very involved because I have to justify my work experience, so I've been tackling that for days. But as I finalize my answers, I'm doubting myself, like what are you doing, why are you doing, and who is going to care. I mean I haven't even gotten to the studying part yet and I'm here scared to death.

Also, I am coming closer and closer the type of work I want to do. But I become fearful as employers show interest in me. I'm like humm, maybe I should sit still or nahh they aint gonna pay me that. Are they? It's amazing. I've been down in da gutter so long, it's like home. It's all I know. It's like positive sht is scary because it's unfamiliar. I'm like whoa...I was/am trapped by the psychological chains of slavery. My slavery. My mental abuse that has profited everyone but me. That's deep. Too deep for me. Own like sad deep, cause that sht at the end of the day just sounds plain sad, with trace amounts of deep.

But I'm here. I'm doin' it. And I guess I'm loving it. I forge forward, with no pep talks, no team spirit, just the power of me. But I guess that last sentence isn't all true, because I didn't completely acknowledge the power of me, until I discovered the power of we. Without her, without us, I don't know where I would be right now. Hmpf, I guess she was another dream come true.

Man...love life, love yourself, and love others. I guess those three are one in the same.
Sht, own even know how to close this...so I believe a simple "peace out" will suffice.

So PEACE OUT!!!