Post Navel...

I stated a few posts ago that I would remove my navel peircing. Last night was that night. Why? I'm not sure. It could have been sped up by a conversation that I was having at dinner on Sunday. My cousin (well Tweet's cousin) was talking about acupuncture and how the Asian guy that she goes to said that the navel is one of the worst places to pierce on your body because it is the center of your body. Something to the effect of piercing it can throw many things off balance.

And I sat and thought about it and was like hummm...

Well at some point yesterday I made up my mind that I would do it last night. And I griped and pulled and released the metal ring that was at the center of my being for damn near 10 years, I felt...I felt...a release. Of what I don't know. And I know you're thinking'girl it's a damn navel ring, pahleeze'! But hand to the man, I really felt something.

I kinda felt a sense of sadness. Like when you move and leave a friend behind. I mean, that ring wasn't just an accessory. It represented a symbol of where I was back then. I remember that me and it is different from now. It was like I unlocked a part of my past that I was holdin on to.

And as Tweet threw the hoop in the trash. I went and dug it out and placed it and the ball on the counter and stared at it. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe I'm still holdin on.

In conclusion, I personally believe that there is a rhyme and reason for most/all of the things that we do. I feel like our mental creates physical. I don't feel like I haphazardly placed holes in my body. Just like every time I cut my hair off, I feel as though there was another reason behind it besides fashionable upkeep.

Anyway...it's gone. And what remains is a hole in my center. A conclusion to one chapter and the beginning of a new. And as the hole heals, I'm sure the journey will continue.

*sigh*

Repeats...

They say that if you don't learn from history, you'll be forced to repeat it. Some people apply that to events of war, oppresion, etc. But I've come to realize that I've been believing the same thing, but referring to it as a lesson. I believe that life, in an attempt to evoke change, sends us lessons. And if you don't peep the lesson, it will be a reoccuring event in your life.

For example, Tweet noticed that she kept getting into these altercations with Bmore locals. To the point, where she had written off the city as a place she didn't belong. But obviously a rock hit her in the head a day after altercation number 1,302. She was like yo, the same thing keeps happening to me because I keep handling it the same way. She realized that the common thread in all of this was not just the ignorance of mankind, but her reaction to the ignorance of mankind.

When faced with adversity, her defense system informed her to rage against the machine and take no prisoners. When really, life was trying to tell her, btch wake up, your fckin attitude sucks and you need to change it to get pass this. Although she's about 26 years late, she finally gets that she needs to stop letting people control her, by letting them get her upset.

And I had a little test myself. This particular one wasn't so random. It came in the form of a pestering ex, who occasionally likes to come check in to assess my current social standing and piss on what he believed to be his territory. But, HARK!, this time was a little different. I actually put part of my foot down. Of course I had some help from the person above, who gave me the extra strength by diggin' in my ass so to speak. But none the less, I did it. Lol!

I finally decided to do something different and start ending this god foresaking drag out that he and I have done for years! And after I did it, I was like whew.

In the end, you can't run from your issues or your problems, because all they do is resurface every time you try to bury those bones. It's funny, because life is really set up for you to live and learn. It's just that our nature somehow wants to ignore that.

Whatever, go figure.

So if you are in a vicious cycle that you want to end. Take a look at yourself. To try to see what the lesson is. Chances are that if you try something different, you'll end the cycle.

Friends...

Why are friends so hard to come by.

I mean, when we were little, friends were the easiest things to get, but as adults it's one of the hardest.

For majority of my lifetime, I've had the same friends, dating back to elementary. Which can be considered good, cause it shows that you have a true bond and you've stood the test of time. BUT little did I know that sht don't mean anything, cause when folks get grown and stressed, sht changes.

So because I've maintained only my childhood friends, when the relationships wore thin, I was/am left alone. And I guess I could throw in my ex-boyfriend who I deemed as a friend, cause that last 10 years. Cause he gone too.

But none-the-less, they're all gone. My only friend now is my girlfriend.

No, let me go visit so and so or we're going shopping or to the mall. Just me.

I've grown accustom to it, but I still feel that it's a little sad.
I parted with these people because of some imbalance that was there between us. I started feeling like they weren't adding anything to my life. But how did they feel about me? Was I a good friend? Was I also lacking?

And now I sample new people out, but I when I start to feel that it's just wasted time and energy, I pull away from them too. I'm weary about who I open up to and I don't share my life with just anyone. So I don't regret me retreating from various folk, cause my lil' intincts be ON POINT and I won't question that.

People really be on some next sht.


Anyway, I'm grateful for the friend that I have. Cause at least I knows that she realy does care about me and my well being. And it's hard to find anyone to do that sht!! And she is crazy as a mutha, but hey so am I.

And of course one of my "ex-friends" would email me as I write this blog...

Life is funny.

Ink and holes...

The other day I looked at the remaining piercings that I have left and I mentally decided that when I tone my tummy that I'm going to loose the navel piercing. It's real subtle and really acts as like a very basic accessary, but I'm ready to let it go. Finally. I've had it for about 8 years now. That's long enough. Right?

I then began thinking why did I get it in the first place. And I still can't answer that. Then I started thinking about why I got any of my piercings and any of my tattoos. People always ask what mine mean and I've never really been able to come up with much. Maybe it's because the people who are asking really don't deserve an answer in the first place. It's always people who really don't have tattoos or have little trendy ones. People who are really tatted up don't really ask.

I LOVE my tattoos, they are apart of me. They represent stages of my life and still frames of my struggle. I don't think that I realized that before. I don't think that I've ever gotten one aimlessly (well maybe one, lol), nor have I gotten one on some quest to be deep. It's like I get them at the most subconsciously perfect timing.

I want to get one this spring. I just feel like I'm not finished yet. I'll be finished soon. I think. Either way, I'll keep it moving getting them just when the timing is right...

*Sigh*

Energy...

After a very depressing blog last night, I started thinking as I walked home from the train station. I started thinking about how people transfer energy, vibes, etc. Whatever you wanna call it. People seem to be largely intune with feeling someone's bad vibes, but not so intune with the good ones.

Some examples:

-Most people can "feel" when someone is staring at them, even if they're not looking at the person.

-Dogs can sense fear.

-Someone can be in your presence and you can sense a "bad vibe" about them.

-Some people actually sense danger or when something in their space isn't right.


So why is sensing good stuff not as easy. Where is the good intuition? Granted, when I'm jammed up I do sometimes feel this overwhelming sense of calm like "everything is going to be okay". So I guess that counts as something.

People say that if you do something "bad" that it is most definitely is going to catch up with you. But are people as confident saying that when you do something good. Is that sht guaranteed?

I feel like I need to tap into my goodness. I need to stop worrying and think POSITIVE and then it will come full cirlce.

Woooooo siiiiiiii...

Da struggle...

I'm supposed to be working on my Thesis at this very second, but I'm distracted. By what? Life. I'm kinda getting close to stressed out. I'm just tired. Tired of trying to do and take care of EVERYTHING. I feel like I need to split myself in two sometimes to get more done.

Okay, there's work...
I have to put on the fake smiles and interactions so I won't seem like an angry, beat down Black woman, who really just wants to hit the lottery and not work for anyone ever again. But I digress...moving on.

There is the relationship...
Relationships are stressful. You gotta listen to their sht even when you beat down from dealing with yours. You gotta be bothered when you really don't wanna be, etc. Sure it has it's perks, but it is an added responsibility.

There is the fam...
My parents are older, so when I go over to their house it's always do this do that. Guess what happened, yo'momma did this, yo' brother did that. Just too much.

Then there are finances...
As I/we move forward to do this house thing, I realize that I'm a broke azz beotch and will be one for a few minutes if some miracle doesn't happen. I'm like damn, I've been thru the humblin' process, why am I still strugglin'. When is it going to be my time to be able to NOT be stressin' and calculatin' my finances every fckin second!

Finally, there is my Thesis...
I'm not finished yet. Thee end.

Those are my top 5 stressors, things that just have following me around and ridin' my back. In retrospect, I see progress, I've changed, my life has changed, almost everything has changed...for the better. But I still feel beaten. I still feel like I'm chasing a carrot that I'm never gonna get. I just want to breathe easy. When is my break. Don't I deserve one?

When my day comin...huh?

Depressing blog I know, but that's how I feel.

Pay your Bill...

This blog will be brief, cause I'm tired of talking about it cause I don't get it. Why is it that when you go out with a bunch of Black folk, the bill ALWAYS ends up being short. WHY?

I went to McCormick & Schmick for a birthday party. And a part of me was frightened at the fact that there were 15 people in the party. Which means that there are 15 prime opportunities for personal deductions off of the bill.

So just as suspected, the $700 bill was about $100 short. Damn you people. Damn YOU!!! Why do that? Just pay your part. Why are you ordering bottles of wine and soup and entrees and tryna pay $40. Da Fukk!! then people slipped some cash and left before the bill was settled. Why are you doing that!?? Why? They probably didn't pay their full amount either.

It took us about 45 minutes to settle the bill. 45 minutes too long. I was exhausted afterwards. My "cousin" had to pay an extra $70, to cover for it, because she had arranged the dinner and didn't want the guest of honor to be upset.

On another note. She gave out party favors at HER party. I thought that was SOOOO cute. She gave everyone a gift card to Starbucks. And just to think that she had asses at her party that didn't pay for all their food. And of course I felt like poor Black trash when I was greeted with a party favor and gave her an empty ass card. Luckily, my "cousin" saved us and gave us a gift card to put in the card.

Sheesh...

But I can admit that is the last time that I will attend a celebration with just an empty card. I was used to giving to trifling people, that I just cut it off for everyone. But now I know that if you aren't comfortable giving someone something that you shouldn't even go anywhere with them to celebrate.

And I after the "we don't have enough money for the bill" thing happening for the zillionth time, I don't even want to go to a dinner party, unless the checks are split, cause damn!!

Lawd!!!

New Year Resolutions...

This year, I refrained from mentally harping on setting and trying to achieve set New Year Resolutions. My reasoning is greatly due to the fact that I realized that I have the same damn goals every year!!! Off the top I can easily list a couple...

a. Eating "right"
b. Exercising
c. Increasing sprituality
d. Improving attitude
e. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

This year I've taken a different approach. I have decided that there are two lists in my life, yes TWO. My first list is ongoing, just constant things that as long as I live I need to do, such as the things listed above and a few more. The second list is somewhat of a resolution list, but more of a To Do List. I usually create those daily/weekly, but hey why not annually too!!

Now, I haven't quite established this "To Do List" because I'm too busy finishing my daily and weekly list. LOL!!! But really I do have a few in the mental, but they are so important, I'd feel like I was jinxing them, by displaying them. Hmpf.

Well the year before last, I did something a little different. I made a list of things that I've always wanted to do, that I've done that year. That list was awesome, because I could see that I made strides to just do it, instead of thinking about it.

So maybe I'll start posting the things that I've done, as opposed to the things I want to do.

Either way, I plan to accomplish a lot this year, because I feel like I've just awakened from some type of stuper that I've been in for the last couple of years. And I'm ready to do some new sht, cause the old ain't workin.