Happiness...

Maybe I'm biased or coming from some "insecure" spot in my lil' brain. But to me it seems like people really aren't happy for people the way they should be. Now maybe I'm wrong, maybe my expectations are too high. And I'll admit, I expect alot from people. Well let me rephrase, I expect alot from people who are claiming certain positions, such as "friends", "family", and even "associates". These are people that are apart of my circle...well one of the rings in my circle.

It's like when you present "good" news to people, people that I've run into don't seem that concerned. It's like, congrats, but whatever cause it's not me. Now this could all be in my head, but I doubt it. It just makes me want to keep all my happiness to myself, cause no one wants to hear it. Hey, and the fake "I'm happy for you" can be left behind. I definitely don't crave or desire insincerity. So whatever.

Are people that sad that they can't be happy for other people? Or am I too reliant upon others sharing my happiness?

Either way Imma shave down my expectations down to the bone, so when I get that dry ass shit, I'll be like "oh, okay" instead of "you miserable biatch"! LMAO!

Hmpf, when I think about it, how can someone be happy for you if they're not happy themselves! Shit, I know when I was a miserable youth, I wasn't happy for a motherfucka. LMAO! Dag, Ima crackin' myself up today.

Anyway...I don't know how to conclude this cause it's so based upon MY perception of people's reaction. And although I believe that I am Queen of Inuition, I might have it all messed up.

I don't know.

Okay...I've conjured up a conclusion...

I wish happiness for all of those who I thought weren't happy for me!

:)

I like the way that sounds, and I truely mean it.
I do.

December 13th...

I told myself numerous times for the last 3 days that I was not going to blog about this, but it has been on my mind.

December 13th is my ex-boyfriend's birthday. And this year is the first year in 10 years that I haven't bought him a gift on his birthday or seen him or talked to him. It's funny because I've been mentally counting down his birthday since the month began. Him being 3 years my senior, he pretty much ran game on me during our relationship. But I was obviously a little too stupid to realize it. But in the end it was obviously me who had the last laugh. When notice was given to Baltimore City that I was batting for the other team HE was devastated. He acted out. But in the beginning I was still under his thumb. I had declared him my friend. Going out, chillin and even seeking advice from him.

He was the one person in the world that actually took time to know the real me. Mentally I never broke up with him. I had been letting him wedge his way between every attempted relationship that I had. I now realize that he was ALWAYS first before anyone that I'd met. And that took place for YEARS. Now I think about it, he made it like that and that's the way he wanted to keep it.

I'm not even going to go into all of the nooks and crannies of his and I relationship cause that would be a book. But I guess this year is a milestone, because I think that we really never broke up until this year. We are FINALLY not together. I think that we were both holdin' on. Thinking that we'd never find the connection that we had with someone else, male or female.

The fact we don't talk anymore is crazy. Cause I actually thought of him as the only man I would ever marry. Now I realize that the person I was holdin on to might not even exist. But now that we've parted I've been blessed with someone else to share my life with. And I'm happy. Who would have thought that I'd actually be happy with someone besides him.

Whether we talk or not, he knows that I still have mad love for him and that I wish him nothing but happiness and prosperity and a lot of other shit.

So Happy Birthday, Q!!!!

Christmas...

I have a lot of shit going on right now. The kid just isn't 100% these days. None-the-less I've decided to just blog on one of many issues. Christmas. I don't have a problem with Christmas, but obviously it's celebrants have a problem with me.

When I tell people that I don't celebrate Christmas, I always get the screw face, or the atheist question, or some other bullshit. I started off not celebrating Christmas due to the convincings of an ex-boyfriend, but that was 10 years ago and I long by-passed any of his manipulative teachings. Now I don't participate in the activities because I don't feel the need to.

The ongoings of Christmas just don't move me. And in this day in time, I don't even really know what everyone is celebrating. To me it would be the equivalent of me celebrating Hannakah or Lent. Days that aren't near and dear to my heart or my beliefs. People put up lights, put pine trees in their homes, buy gifts for people they like and like a lil' bit and all of that isn't me.

Are people really celebrating the birth of Christ or are people celebrating marketing ploys? Some people say that "Christmas is for the kids". But if you're celebrating the birth of Christ, why would something that important be just for children. And what does the pine tree have to do with anything. The lights on your porch. And please someone tell me what in the hell the bearded man with reindeers and elves has to do with anything Christ-like.

When people participate in the gift exchange are they really feeling the warmth of gift giving for Christ, the Savior? Or are people just doing what they've been taught to do. Breaking the bank for a religious holy day that has been completed endorsed with pagan traditions and marketing gimicks for businesses.

Tweety is very bothered by the fact that I don't celebrate Christmas. Last night she mentioned that she wanted a tree next year and asked if I really wasn't going to give her a gift for Christmas. I mean...I told her if SHE wanted a tree, SHE could get one. And that YES, I really am not getting her a gift for Christmas. She was blown.

I don't knock those who celebrate Christmas, but don't knock me because I don't. And no, I don't have to claim a religon to not participate in a celebration. I say... do you! If that's what you feel.

Me...I am spiritually trying to find my way. Which to me is harder when you're not following the pre-written rules of a particular group. I am trying to ground myself and follow my heart, soul, nature, love, and the Universe. Ha, I know I got too spacey for some of you! Lol. But really, I am trying to ground myself and be and do what I am placed on this Earth to do.

Sigh.

So in conclusion....Happy Holy Day to whatever you're celebrating, whenever you're celebrating it.

:)

Black and White...

CNN advertised for a special they'll have on tonight about places that were known to "Blacks" as "before sundown" towns. You know...places where yo' black azz better be gone befo' sundown. As you know, I believe that racism is played the FUCK OUT!!! And I really mean that shit. But it's here so it is what it is!!!

Today on the elevator, a little weird W dude got on the elevator with Tweety and I and we noticed that he stood very close to the door. His fukin' nose was probably touchin' that shit. And he pressed on the 1st floor button like a million times. How sad that I can't just charge him to the crazy fuk pile and keep it movin'. But because he's a W, I have to wonder if it was some Black/White thing.

Often the Ws do strange things that makes me wonder whether or not its racially motivated. It's sad, but I'm at a point in life where I've seen so much bullsht on the W front that I often am on guard when dealing with them. I feel bad, but own truss 'em. Probably the same way they don't trust me/us.

I feel forced to play by their rules, on their turf, against their players. I don't feel apart of their society. I'm feeling Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man. And as a Black Woman, I definitely feel it. Because Number 1 women are invisble to the WORLD, and number 2 being Black just takes the damn cake. We have to make ourselves seen and heard, always having to overachieve to do it.

This day in time, I shouldn't feel like I'm always fighting some invisible war just because my skin is brown. But I do. I feel like Ws live in another world on the same planet. Them never understanding us, and us never understanding how it feels to be them.

It's fuked up. Cause as a naive young woman I thought there was one race, the human race. And as much as I still want to continue my world peace campaign, I've grown to realize that that shit aint true, at least not today.

None-the-less I must journey on as a Black woman, in a world that seems to be painted W. But I realize that the forces against me are fear-based and knowing that alone confirms MY greatness.

Ewww...I'm sounding like one of those damn people that I don't like... but shit it is what it is...

POWER TO THE PEOPLE

"You can't seperate peace from freedom, because no one can be at peace unless he has his freedom"

-X

Why I love you...

This weekend I had a tiff that went something like this:

"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...you still don't even know WHY you love me!" And I childishly responded "I DO to!" And she responded with the dreaded "Why!" "Tell me why!"

Sidenote: Something that I did learn from my fellow "man" was when in doubt, go hard REAL hard. Lol!

I proceeded to taunt and make note of how it's a dumb ass question and it's purpose is questionable. Yackety smackety...Saying anything to take attention off the fact that I really didn't know why. And not because I couldn't come up with anything, but because I just never thought about it.

And after the storm was over, I began to think...why do I love her and felt bad for never giving her the simple words that she just wanted to hear. Not because they were so great, but because
she just wanted to hear them.

So I actually though about it. And I love her because:

1. She's not afraid to be herself
2. She's not afraid to fight for things she believes in
3. She's a proud person
4. She's strong person
5. She's smart (In a non-geeky way)
6. She's funny
7. She likes music
8. She has spiritual foundation
9. She's versatile
10.She's open minded
11. She has a beauty that shines from the inside out (Very strange)
12. She's emotional
13. She's conscious
14. She knows style
15. She "looks out" for me and my best interest
16. She values family
17. She's not afraid of being wrong
18. She's down fo da cause
19. She sees the beauty in me, when I don't see it in myself
20.She's just a well rounded individual who picks up where I leave off.

I mean...need I say more...