Retrospective Perspective

Prego...

2009-04-23T17:09:00.006-05:00

Today I ordered my chicken pattie and went to the African store a few doors down. I was on the first level and moseyed on up to the top level to look at the assortment of masks and sculptures. This particular one struck me and it was for the low price of $179. That's alot of money for me because I can be pretty cheap. Anyway, it jumped out at me and said, please buy me now. It was the torso of a pregnant woman. It was so striking to me. I asked the dude how long it had been sitting there and he said about 2 years. I wanted to see whether or not it was a hot commodity and apparently it was not. Which made me wonder about my taste and why I'd pick something that no one apparently wanted. But as I held it and eye-balled it. It was like "Yes dammit get me".

As he told me about it's Tanzanian history, it intrigued me a little more. He was like, we also have lay-a-way. I'm like "Word". Great. But being on a monthly pay period and just making it to the end of the month was already challenging. But this piece was worn at night by women who wished to be pregnant. I'm like, is this a sign. Do I want to be pregnant? Do I want to wear this at night? If I buy it will I become pregnant by immaculate conception? Who knows.

Maybe this piece has been waiting for me to come and get it. After looking at other pieces I realized how much I love the woman form. It's beauty, it's function, it's everything. When I see a woman's body, I see the strength without the muscle. The real strength of the Earth. I love women. And I loved that the torso of a pregnant woman, uttered nothing but shear strength and beauty to me.

I think I'm going to capture that beauty...

Free Fall...

2009-04-20T08:46:00.003-05:00

Whoa, I’m in a not so good mood. I think that it’s because my world isn’t right.
I am busted and disgusted. She’s out of sight and hugely out mind. And I don’t know if that’s for the betterment of our relationship or not.

I don’t know what I’m going to say or do when I see her. I know what frame of mind I’ve placed her in, but past experiences have shown that I’m typically wrong when I draw conclusions while “in my world”. My way of coping with that is to not think about it. Bad idea…I know.

This consortium of feelings that I have is overwhelming. I feel like she swung Pandora’s Box wide the hell open. And now the sht is out of both of our hands. The thing about sht like this is that there is no going back. I’m not trying to force anything, but there is something bubbling inside me that refuses to subside. I actually fought with it this weekend, feeling so overwhelmed, like never before. I feel like I’m about to go and figuratively jump off a cliff. The high alone makes it worth it. But the final stage is either a saving grace or death’s door.

Oh well, because I’ve spent my whole life safety netting myself. This time it’s a free fall.

Bridge to No Where...

2009-04-13T09:54:00.001-05:00

How is it that one day you imperfect life is the best thing since sliced bread? And moments later your imperfect life is a disaster. I am an internal wreck. All caused by one person, possibly two people. I think my conflict comes in with my approach for resolve. One end of me is totally like whatever, “you do you Imma do me” all while being disguised as we. But the other half of me can’t even conceive the state of mind it took to create this mess. Nah, I can’t and that’s what keeping me on this “live and let live” aspect. I always try to understand people. And I can’t understand this. It’s heinous. And there is no way on Earth that it’s an accident. And with that said I’ve got to move on. And in the middle of all of this other drama too! It’s like what were you thinking. No…really, what was literally on your mind.

I can’t dig it. I can’t. This isn’t even about forgiveness. It’s about just looking at what two people have going on. And my view lets me know that I’ve been clearly abused and taken for granted. I think the more peaceful thing is that it’s not even what I want to do. I feel like a spirit is telling me that I have to move on. I don’t know where this path will lead me and I’m not confident that it will go anywhere that I’m interested in, but one thing for sure is that I’m going…

No Disrespect...

2009-04-12T06:59:00.004-05:00

Like is fcked up! Fcked up I say!

You have to make all of these weird decisions that can make or break your life.
I hate the fact that you deciding to accept something so painful, can either be the worst decision or best decision of your life. I am so confused. I don't know sht from a savior. All I know is I've been trying to love Love and that bitch just doesn't like me! I can't even get lust down packed. I'm a mess.

I don't take pride in this, but that last few muthafckers I've dealt with have all said that I was the best GF they've had, or I'm going to make the best GF. Well yippy. And all I've seen is misery. I haven't met anyone where I'm like dayum! I don't even deserve this motherfcker. Why can't I get that? Why can't I be given far above my willingness to give.

I'm convinced that life is trying to kill me. Otherwise it wouldn't be pushing me to the limit.

I'll wrap this sht up, cause I just can't do it...

Emerge and See...

2009-04-02T13:22:00.007-05:00

I just started taking Emergen-C, the acclaimed immune helper outter. I've been battling a cold, from my dastardly co-workers who continue to come to work sick. And I have recently run out of my Chinese Yin Chow pills. You see, I've been trying to not only fight the germ monster, but the bad energy monster as well.

I'm very open to alternative forms of staying healthy. I think I'm on to something with my pills and this Emergen-C has gotten some good reviews. I'm on my second packet, so we'll see. However, I don't know how lucky I've been on the energy monster. My girlfriend is going through an early life crisis and is a total mess.

Although life keeps telling the btch to change, she just won't do it. I mean I won't steal her progress, because she has been taking some steps. But she just sits and lets everything get under her skin. Today the whining got so bad, that I wanted to leave work. Instead I chose to go and get some Emergen-C. Which helped. So instead of me wanting her to loose my number for the next 24-hours, she can just loose it for the next 4-5 hours. Lol.

Boy! Has it been rough. I have so much on my plate and the last thing I'm trying to do is let them fall. So I've been really trying to pay attention to my needs and rock out, the right way. I'm choosing balance over blasphemy. Sleep versus slipping. Hooray over headache. And all of that good sht.

I hope this lasts because I'm not forcing it. It's just how a btch feels. I have things I'm trying to achieve and I just want to play my position.

Name Game...

2009-03-04T18:56:00.010-05:00

Today I went to get a passport and inadvertently filled out the incorrect spelling of my name; which so happens to be the way that I've been spelling my name for the last 20 years. The mishap caused more of a stink than I would have liked. You see...my parents kinda misspelled my name. It's spelled in a way which would invite most people to mispronounce it because it is grammatically incorrect for that pronunciation. So by the wave of a pen in about 3rd or 4th grade it was changed and another vowel was added. This has caused me nothing but trouble in my adult years. Because my documents vary from place to place.

So as I quickly approach 30, I decided today that I would change the way in which my name is spelled or the whole fckning thing all together. This thought is profound because it's so not me. But as I walked back to work from the post office I realized that there may be some symbolism to this ordeal.

Maybe the spelling of my name at birth is the real me and the misspelling is an altered version of me after being old enough to be formally introduced to disfunct. This sht is cray-zee. I'm like so curious and excited to see what I decide.

But yeah, I've had enough of being 2 vowels one day and 3 the next.

What's a name anyway? Why do we have to carry around some word that our parents wanted us to be called.

I used to think that people who changed their name were crazy. Now I think that they are liberators. Leaders of their own destiny...

But which am I...

Lynn...

2009-02-11T15:12:00.007-05:00

I admitted (and finally realized) that I had a crush on Lynn. Although others said that she had a crush on me, I assume that it must have been mutual. I wanted to get to know her better, but only got to know her craziness. And I'm thankful for that, because it would not have been worth the turmoil to my relationship.

She was born under the sun of Virgo, like my girlfriend. And those Virgos just do something to my brain. They intrigue me. They make me laugh. And I respect them.

I admitted this to my girlfriend just as I was realizing it. Now that was crazy! My girlfriend and I are pretty open. But I think it came out because it wasn't any deceit behind my interaction with her. And the real kicker was that the attraction wasn't sexual, which clears my conscious completely. *whew* Plus, I really don't think that I knew that I liked her. Lol.

Minus the extraness, I think that I would have valued a friendship, if that were at all possible. But people who are or teetering on miserable can't make good friends. So I guess she couldn't have been anything more than what she was.

Either way, I think about her, I wonder what she's been up to. I wonder if she did the things that we used to talk about. That's about it.

She was the closest thing I had (besides my beloved girlfriend) to a person who I considered similar to me. It's no lose though, because I did mention that she was crazy, right? Okay...

Buttons...

2009-01-03T23:46:00.004-05:00

It's funny how we go through life, not knowing or appreciating it's importance. Love is the glue of the Universe, but Love is the one thing that we lack the most of in this world. I love my girlfriend. I am now at the point where I think that I love her more than I am aware of. The thought of losing her to anything, places a hole in my heart.

To love and be loved, is beautiful and to be treasured. I think that knowing how it feels to not be loved, reminds me.

New Year's Ears...

2009-01-01T21:08:00.005-05:00

2.0.0.9...I once thought that upon its arrival, I would be and feel different. But instead I'm a little bit confused. I feel like I'm going through a form of puberty. You know the kind where you look in the mirror and you see that you're changing and looking forward to filling that bra or being able to actually see that mustache. But all the while you don't understand it and your emotions are all fcked up.

I counted down the New Year with strangers. Not happy strangers, who were dancing to music. Just plain ol' strangers. It was very odd. People were texting and calling to wish a happy new year. But not me. I had no one to text or call. And guess what...no one texted or called me. Not even my parents.

Catch Up...

2008-10-30T09:23:00.009-05:00

It's been a long time since I've blogged...I've thought about blogging several times, but I obviously didn't get the job done until 2 months after my last post. I like to blog when I'm right in the moment, because that's when my writings are pure.

I'd like to set up my 2009 "To Do List", but I honestly don't feel that it will be necessary for next year. I believe that I will get much accomplished without it. I have really been digging my heels in to improve who I am as a person. I feel that I have made significant strides in that regard. I now feel the need to clean up else where in my life. I now have to make it easier for me to live in this society. And I think that I went in the right order by cleaning the inside, to strengthen it for this external bullsht. Because who I really am doesn't fit in this society. Hence the task of trying to be true to yourself and survive.

I know I got all outer space, but that is something that I have struggled with all of my life. The struggle of not fitting in. Not just with the hip crowd, smart crowd and all of that mess. But I have always felt like I didn't fit in this world that man has created. I feel like my connection to the universe is totally separate from my day to day operations.

I have recently sought fellowship. Something, I not only wasn't successful at, but I wasn't all that fond of it. But I think that I'd like to talk about spirituality with other people besides my girlfriend. Bless her heart...because if she's all I got, then I'll take it. But I believe there is more to learn, more to share, and I want to do that.

I wasn't sure what I was gonna talk about but this is what came out, so there you have it...

Phone Call...

2008-08-21T11:27:00.006-05:00

Why is it that people aren't supposed to communicate with people who they formerly "communicated" with, when you're in a relationship? I mean even if all the feeling are gone, it's like a cardinal sin. Personally, I would love to have a drink or chat with some people from my past. But the book of relationships says that you shouldn't.

Honestly I try not to sew any seeds that I don't want to see grow in my significant-other's garden. I guess maybe people are weary of people rekindling feeling and such. Or having someone else be extra. It really bothers the crap outta me. Because some of my bestest buddies, unfortunately are people that I've seen in the nude! Go figure. I always had a problem keeping my friends as friends. I guess I'm a all in one type of person. None-the-less. I try.

Now with me and my baby being 1100 miles apart, all sorts of roaches are gonna come out.
Whew. I tell you, it aint easy being me, but someone gotta do it, ya dig.

Therefore, no seeds, no weeds.

P.S.- By the way, be VERY careful about what and who you speak of right now. Cause before you even finish a sentence, da sht will be on your door step. The stars are definitely movin and shakin right now. Aight, I'm finished with my space update.

The Mummy...

2008-08-04T07:17:00.009-05:00

Sunday, I saw The Mummy... what a dayum waste of $8. It could have been SO good, but nay. Following the movies I visited my cousins who were just returning from Egypt, for what felt like 2 months, but was only two weeks. They showed us HUNDREDS of pictures of artifacts, tombs, and all the other jazz that comes with visiting Egypt. After a bad mummy movie and an 1-hour slide show, I should have known that my day would end the same as it started.

I assume my boo was inspired by her day, cause she did a lil' diggin of her own...through my fckn diary that was "hidden" in my car. This modern day discovery was an assortment of pages that I had written my most intimate thoughts on, dating back to 2001, which I feel comfortable equating to the Stone Ages. Okay, so let me explain myself...I recently shredded all my old pic and shat of days past. I didn't quite get to the "diary" because it took long enough to take care of the pics. So I sat them aside because I wanted to read the pages before destroying them.

As fate would have it, she would read the worst entries that discussed the robustness of my past life. Completely offended as if this was thee only content of the pages...spazz time. I won't bore with the drama piece, but emphasize more so how it felt to know that someone had read your most intimate thoughts. After the fuss, I was sad, embarrassed and just plain confused. These emotions were intensified as I read miscellaneous sheets at the shredder.

But maybe there is some good in this. Maybe burying your past isn't enough, maybe you have to shred it to properly dispose of it, Lol. But more importantly, you need to mourn it and acknowledge it AND accept it. And judging by the feelings that I felt yesterday, I can tell that I haven't done any of the above. So back to the burial grounds. And the next person that digs up that bag of shredded bones, will definitely be paid for it, because it will be my shrink.

How high...

2008-07-09T09:37:00.005-05:00

Have you ever had dreams so big for yourself that the thought of
obtaining them is scary. That's how I feel now. I'm so used to
struggle and defeated progress that when doors open up, I get nervous. Like real nervous, almost quitter nervous. I mean, I'm used to grinding with little or no reward. But what I'm not used to is sht working out. It's like now days my life is operating on some sht like, oh you want that, here you go. I mean, it's not a complete hand out, but my ideas and wants are becoming more and more actual.

Okay, for example...I'm trying to get this certification. Number one- it costs a grip to even apply, number two- I barely meet the qualifications and number three- everyone doesn't have it. Now, one day before the application is due, I'm getting cold feet. I mean the application is very involved because I have to justify my work experience, so I've been tackling that for days. But as I finalize my answers, I'm doubting myself, like what are you doing, why are you doing, and who is going to care. I mean I haven't even gotten to the studying part yet and I'm here scared to death.

Also, I am coming closer and closer the type of work I want to do. But I become fearful as employers show interest in me. I'm like humm, maybe I should sit still or nahh they aint gonna pay me that. Are they? It's amazing. I've been down in da gutter so long, it's like home. It's all I know. It's like positive sht is scary because it's unfamiliar. I'm like whoa...I was/am trapped by the psychological chains of slavery. My slavery. My mental abuse that has profited everyone but me. That's deep. Too deep for me. Own like sad deep, cause that sht at the end of the day just sounds plain sad, with trace amounts of deep.

But I'm here. I'm doin' it. And I guess I'm loving it. I forge forward, with no pep talks, no team spirit, just the power of me. But I guess that last sentence isn't all true, because I didn't completely acknowledge the power of me, until I discovered the power of we. Without her, without us, I don't know where I would be right now. Hmpf, I guess she was another dream come true.

Man...love life, love yourself, and love others. I guess those three are one in the same.
Sht, own even know how to close this...so I believe a simple "peace out" will suffice.

So PEACE OUT!!!

El Natural...

2008-07-08T12:54:00.007-05:00

Over the weekend I decided that I was going to "go natural". I decided to do this while I was in the strenuous process of straightening my hair. Excited and proud as I wanted to be, I inform my girlfriend. This idea seemed to tickle her. She says... what are you talking about, you don't have a perm, your hair IS natural, and y'own even have "black hair". Hmpf. In my eyes, if you can get a fro (which I can), you got black hair. Hence, Afro-American, duhhh...

I sat and questioned myself. I'm like self, why ARE you straightening your hair. And the answers weren't pretty. They all revolved around not wanting to be judged by people; people who can't even relate to my hair. Fear that I'll look less professional. I didn't even realize that my thoughts were based primarily off of the judgements of others. But I'm no total conformist, I realized that wearing my hair curly (it's natural state) entails alot more work than wearing it straight. It's alot of work, work I'own like to do.

None-the-less, I'm going to figure out how to make it easy. Cause in a few weeks I'll be marching into work wit my BR suit and my kinky twist.

Power to the people!

Rigid...

2008-07-01T06:05:00.009-05:00

Whoa...

I had a total flash back of my old self. Yesterday after one thing was sprung on me, I fckin freaked out. And it wasn't until I started talking out loud that I realized that I freaked out. It fcked my night up and my morning. And a PMSing girlfriend didn't help, but I was loosing it. So now that I'm back on earth I feel a little better.

And actually when I look back (a ripe 18 hours), I realize that I am stressing about alot more than the bullsht I've been crying over. I guess we all become rigid sometimes. Because being set in our ways and staying true to that becomes all that we have. Shoot. I know me is all I really have. Well I shouldn't say that. But you know what I mean. If I don't take care of me, I can't allow anyone else to, or help anyone else. So I at least have to stay above the surface.

But yeah, I'm aight now. And honestly looking back...I think I had a slow panic attack, lol. Do they exist? Hum. And like I was saying I DO have alot on my mind. I have alot of sht that I'm trying to do. And I have the pressure of wanting to do it right the first time around. A btch tryna make moves. So all that moving gave me motion sickness.

Aight, so maybe this shouldn't have been entitled "Rigid", maybe I should have called it "Slow Panic Attack, cause I got sht goin on in my life"....

*shrug*

Long Time...

2008-06-29T12:51:00.013-05:00

Dang, it's been a long time since I last blogged. It's been over four months. I guess it's because I haven't had the mental space to add one more thing tomy "To Do" list. Well, it sure feels good to be bizzack! Let's see I'm still going to my group therapy and I am still questioning it's effectiveness. But I'm always question the point of stuff, so that's not new, nope not at all. Dang, I am really glad that I am writing. It feels like I moved away and finally mustered up the time to come visit home. Sht, I guess this is therapy too. Lawd knows I have more than enough ways that I try to keep my azz sane. With a mind that is all over the place like mine, you HAVE to get creative. So let's see, where should I start?...

Well I just finished reading a hood novel and actually tried to work my way into a second one and realized that the sht all starts sounding the same. So I think I might hang that up. I'm in the process of trying to pursue some professional sht, so I guess that's why I am clamoring to get some hood back in me. I love the hood in me actually. I think that knowledge and street sht are a nasty combo, so I embrace it...well sometimes. Nothing better then being able to turn that sht off by simply closing the book.

Alot of people have been on my mind too. Nobody good, just people who aren't sht, whom I wish were. You know y'own have no frens when you thinkin about the people who did you dirty. Well I aint mad. Fck it and Fck'em. Next...

I been thinkin bout pickin up and just blowin this camp...I mean I wanna go and see what's good somewhere else. I feel like my mind is detoxing, trying to figure out and sort out the good from the bad, the needed from the wanted. It's a little tumultuous, but it's all for the better. Oh! I'm volunteering. Nothing big, just cleaning parks and baking cookies for families of sick children who are housed in Bmore waiting treatment of their young. Funny thing about it is, I don't feel all that good about it. Honestly, I have yet to volunteer and do something that has made me feel good inside. But I just look at it as a work in progress. None-the-less , someone is benefiting from my confusion.

Well, it's good to be back. I don't know when I'll blog again, but hopefully sooner than later.

Peace out...and all that sht.

Universal Law...

2008-02-13T09:12:00.005-05:00

Okay. I'm really starting to think that the Universe isn't giving me a chance to shine. I feel like so many doors are being closed for me and I truely don't know what to do about it. They say that when one door is closed, another is opened, but I know that I'm having some patience issues.

I am constant trying to improve myself and improve my quality of life. And while one thing appears to be going to shts, I try to create beauty elsewhere. And I've been accumilating sht for awhile so I have been plenty busy with beautifying. The object of my current affection is my home, a house that is painted more colors than the fckn rainbow, lol. But hmpf, you need a lil' color sometimes. I am almost finished the 2nd floor, a project that has taken several weeks, to add perspective. FINALLY, it is becoming a home, a place I can be proud of versus a place that I have to explain.

But none the less, now that my project is practically finished, does this mean that my span of fcked-upness is about to be over too?! I'm not rushing anything, but I'm curious because life is funny that way. Remember when I got my lotus flower tattoo, which I said symbolized me coming up from da mudd and entering a new beginning. Well...'bout two weeks after that, my fcking world flipped upside down. So yeah, I was in store for a new beginning, but not hardly what I had in mind, lol.

I understand that the Universe has it's Law and we are subjected to it. So I just move forward in hopes of being more intune with it and more understanding, because with those things in hand, the "bad" isn't so bad and the "good" is much greater.

Rum and Coke: Feature I...

2008-02-10T20:46:00.000-05:00

This is feature one of my Rum and Coke series. A series in which I speak while with the spirits, *wink*.

I was thinking...about 15 minutes ago before my girlfriend called. (She's out of town.) I was thinking about how much I love women. I love them, admire them. Ultimately, I am bedazzled by them. I'm no for-fun lezzy, I'm the real deal. And I stand true to that despite my 15% interest in men.

How I feel is crazy, considering how little I express it.

...Ugh, I think all that miscellaneous convo messed up my groove, so I'll just call it a wrap for now.

See you next time...

Magic Slippaz...

2008-01-29T10:48:00.000-05:00

While perusing through Arundel Mills with my girlfriend and her momma, we fell into a shoe store. I was helping her momma find some sneakers, when I noticed my girlfriend checking out some casual shoes.

Please note that ALL of her casual shoes look exactly the same. Lol.

I walked over to see what she had her eyes on...

What did I discover?

Yet another pair of shoes that looked the exact same as her other shoes! They were cute, but dayum.

But wala...what did I see in her other hand? A pair of shoes that definitely didn't look like any of the shoes SHE owned. So I asked, "what are those". She said, "I was thinking of gettin these instead". "Oh my", I thought to myself. Not only were these she's far from her style, they were VERY far from her style.

Sidenote: I actually thought that the shoes were fugly, BUT I realized that my girlfriend was trying to step away from genderless shoewear.

The shoes looked like patent leather slippers. So, after I realized that she was secretly trying to go for something new, I decided to delicately recommend cuter shoes of the same style. But of course they didn't have her size in any of the ones that I picked out.

I was in one of those situations where things could go terribly wrong if I uttered the wrong thing. She almost seemed a little insecure about her selection. Luckily I paid close attention to sensitive nature of this situation. Actually, I believe that it was more disbelief than anything for me. I was actually quite proud of her for trying something new!

I told her to try them on...and I was still in shock that she picked out these magical slippers all on her own.

Moving on...after we settled in at home, I gently stuck my foot in her shoe to gain a different perspective. And I saw that the magical slippers weren't fugly after all, they were kinda cute. And will be even cuter on my baby.

Magic slippers today. What will tomorrow bring? Cleavage in a cute summer tank?!

Humm...

Much Required...

2008-01-03T20:12:00.000-05:00

It seems like every time I stand up and fight for my individual rights, pursue my goals, or take a stand, it all just blows up in my face.

I can't help it, I'm a principle person. Especially in the occupation field. I consider myself a person who is always up for doing my best, especially when I'm being relied on. In the work world I can't and don't take much sht, and why should I.

I now think that if I had less pride, less self worth, less ambition, I would be alot further along. To me, those 3 things have held me back and placed me in such odd situations.

I pray that all of my experiences make sense to me one day. And I always dreamt of speaking to the youth or other individuals who feel like giving up and telling my story. But telling it with a pot of gold at the end. Telling them they hey, if I did it, then they could too.

But I don't have any gold...yet.

I just keep getting the biggest wad of "hard dck and bubble gum".

I mean...I already know that I'm going to be a success, but not without strife. Strife that I once deemed unfair. Now I just consider it as apart of my genetic makeup.

Man, I'm just plain ol' tired. That's all.

I have picked up this quote that is now so dear to me now..."To whom much is given, much is required".

Because I feel that life is requiring SO much of me, I simultaneously believe that much is and will be given. That belief is solely supported by hope, which isn't too bad, because without that what do you have anyway...

Cococay...

2008-01-02T10:16:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year all!

What a beautiful day it is!
I still feel the need to say that, despite the severe case of acid reflux I had this morning and it being 3.5 degrees outside.

Internally, I am in a great, blessed, chipper mood.
In really life, I'm just a walking zombie.

Either way, here I am.

I just came from my cruise to the Bahamas and Florida.
South Beach ripped me off once again.
I tell you, there is something about that place that gobbles money.

Now... this cruise was suppose to take me to the beauties of the Bahamas, so can someone tell me how I ended up on some made up island, by the name of Cococay, allegedly owned by the Cruise people. So as I kayaked through shallow waters around Cococay, I made it back to shore just in time to eat what little food was left over and truck it back to the ship before departure. So there was no sun bathing for me, just sweat and tears as I rowed for two.

I was somewhat pressed to show of my new tattoo and my old ones for that matter, because they are typically covered. I was especially excited about my new found love for my Lotus flower which is cute to me now, *giggle*. I even rushed to get the Lotus a week earlier so that it would be healed in time for my trip. So after the beach opportunity was missed on the made up island of Cococay, I aimed for exposure in Key West. Negative. Did not happen. Number one we could NOT find the beach! Number two, it must suck because I don't know anyone who COULD findthe beach. So I ended up sweating AGAIN in the sun as I searched for this beach. But at the end of the day, I did manage to find a cute sweater, shirt and socks. Yay... *mute*

But all and all the trip was fun and nice. I spent more than enough quality time with my extended family. Which at this point I feel pretty comfortable calling them that. I had a break from the "real world". So I truly enjoyed myself. Yay! I may upload a few pics, after I develop my disposable camera, lol.

P.S.- I will be getting a real camera this year, it's apart of my New Year resolutions.

So I am back to reality and starting my New year with peace, and I hope you are as well.

Bigger...

2007-12-10T10:53:00.000-05:00

Bigger aint always better...and if I never knew so, I sure found out last Friday.

I finally muscled up and got my "before the end of the year" tat... a lotus flower.

Obviously, I thought that this would change my life or something because I became superficially empowered by the Asian symbolism behind the flower, i.e.- a symbol for awakening to the spiritual reality of life. I thought that like the flower I have been at the bottom in the muddy, yucky dirty bottom of the pond, but I have risen/ (is rising) above to display my beauty.

But in this case my "beauty" is too BIG. So either, I've been growing at the bottom so long that I've developed some type of elephantitis or I gots a lot of beauty to share. Lol.

I mean this thing is huge. Bigger than the hip it's on.

King Kong aint got nothin' on it...really.

All I wanted was a "funky" little flower on my hip that I would add to me completing my masterpiece, but nooooooo, I got a flower on steroids. Ugh, I drove home from DC in pain and close to boo hooing.

This is the picture I brought, but what I got doesn't even come close to providing the same feeling as it. Ugh, heart breaking...*sniffle*. Now I feel like all the other clowns that have miscellaneous tats. I won't take away from homeslice's craftsmanship, but the size is insulting to the hundreds of dollars I spent on my back. When I saw the preview, I thought that he'd add some mysterious "spice" that overshadow the size. But nay. I would upload a pic of the emphasis bloom, but I'm not that technologically advanced. Sorry.

So is there life after a huge tattoo that isn't everything you dreamed of? I sure hope so. I'm still devastated. I don't even think that I can show it to anyone. I'm just grateful that I can hide it under my boycut undies, so I don't have to see it.

It is so hard being me. So hard.

Attrition...

2007-12-06T08:57:00.000-05:00

It has taken me about 30 days to get over the firing of my co-worker. I litereally think that I became work-depressed. All the typical signs, i.e.- unable to work, talk, think...function. I don't think that it was so much who and what it was, but what it represented. It represented power of the foolish.

While I was in it, I just couldn't pull out of it. It consumed me. I looked miserable, acted miserable and spent lots of time staring at a screen without being able to tell you a thing about what was there.

Because I'm just coming out of it, I really can't believe that I shut down like that.

My co-worker actually made a Level10, turn into a Level 5. He allowed the day to go by faster. He allowed me to be able to laugh in the worst of situations. So to me, without that, my Level 10, remained a Level 10.

Now that the 30 days storm has blown over, the clouds remain, but above those clouds are tiny specs of Sun.

Thank the Gods for the Sun...

Awaken...

2007-11-28T09:04:00.000-05:00

Although my demeanor this morning seems to reflect that I'm in a funk, I actually feel like I am blossoming, awakening. And maybe I do feel a little funky trying to wiggle out of that tight cocoon. But that hint of light shining in feels soooo good.

Sure there is fear of the unknown and fear of the known. Fresh fear. The kind of fear that gets you somewhat excited and little anxious.

I feel like apart of the world is saying, hey wake up, come out and play.

And as I go through, there is no presence of loneliness, because my future is within site, and ever present.

Off...

2007-11-26T09:36:00.000-05:00

I cried and begged to be off from the plantation. And said if only I could have a few days to myself, I could recoup and live life! But after having 4 1/2 days off I don't feel any different than if I had worked.

Am I ungrateful?

I actually feel a little tired. So now I can scratch free days off the list of things that will improve my quality of life, lol. Well maybe not scratch it completely off, but move it down the list.

Sheesh...so now the quality not quantity factor is living true blue. Dammit!
Every time I try to take the easy route, I get kicked off it back to f'n reality!

So let me grateful and try to think about what the BEST part of my days off was.

*
I'm still thinkin...
*
*
Still thinkin...
*
*
*
Ah hah! I know! It was the purchase of a new plant. I originally wanted a bonsai, but I found a delightful replacement for a third of the price. Yay! Hey it's not often that you actually get what you've been looking for. It now sits proudly on my dining room table. As I ate my cereal, I actually looked admiringly at it. I know, I know, that's lot going on for a plant purchase, but hey it is what it is.

So that's it.
No more whining from me about days off.
My new focus is making the best of the time I have.

Quality...or bust!

HOT OFF THE PRESS... I just found out that my substitute Bonsai, is actually a bonsai, just a different kind. Life is grand!

Do people change...

2007-11-20T14:04:00.000-05:00

When people say they'll change. Are they really going to?

I mean...I've never heard anyone say ooohhh, they used to beat me, but not anymore. Or they used to verbally abuse me, but not anymore...They've changed!

Words are SO overrated these days, I don't even know whey we still use them . I guess all the talking is a pacifier until one can act, or pretend to act.

If you have to remind someone to treat you right or respect you, should you even be with them. Or should you keep reminding them and try to work it out.

I would say that offense one is to repeatedly treat someone some kind of way in the first place. I mean we're all entitled to a mistake or two. But does multiple offenses invoke some type of guilty plea.

Because to me, I begin to think that the way you act, is how you want to act. How you want to present yourself. How you want that person to be treated. Am I wrong?

Because to me, you wouldn't even do those things. You would think, dag, I don't want that person to be treated that way. Especially when you KNOW that they don't want to be treated like that.

So why do people do it. I say it's because they want to...

Checkin' in...

2007-11-20T11:55:00.000-05:00

Umm, I feel nauseous.

There is this overwhelming feeling for me to regurgitate everything that's in me.
Maybe it would be symbolic. A way for me getting rid of all the sht I've "eaten" these last couple of years.

I want to go home and crawl in the bed.

I'm in yet another fcked up situation, where everyone is looking at me like, "what's your problem sister, who the fck are you to have standards".

I really want to throw up.

Have I asked for too much from the World?

This is why people just settle for that bundle of low self-esteem, because having self-esteem is too much work. It's like a promise to make yourself a fighter for the rest of your life.

I always meet people who proclaim to be completely clueless to their actions. And when I say people, I mean people from work, associates, family, etc. But then when I'm demanding, I get nothing in return.

Ugh! I'm so stressed. I swear, I just want to be happy or some equivalent!!!!!

I'm honestly am starting to believe that I wasn't placed on this Earth to be happy. I'm here just to be. I've always thought it, but now I'm starting to believe it.

I'm not a beneficiary in this lifetime...

Tap out...

2007-11-19T10:55:00.000-05:00

Tap out... is a term for yielding to the opponent, and hence resulting in an immediate defeat.

Why is it that people seldom tap out upon getting those very generous warnings of defeat? Is it because they're just so steadfast or is it out of fear.

Relationships require one of the most difficult "tapping out" processes out there. Because you sit and think dayum, am I being too difficult, too demanding, too selfish. People definitely consider tenure, like dayum we have all these years in, blah, blah, blah. And out of shear desperation or optimism, we think, humm maybe we can work it out.

Now, either I'm a quiter or a dayum realist, because I gets in and gets out. And I don't think it's fear based. I think that I carefully assess the give and take in a relationship and try to exhaust my giving before I provide my partner with a bona fide fck it, lol.

But now as we get older, the sht becomes more difficult, more involved and possibly a lot more at risk, emotionally, financially, etc.

It's so hard to even assess your relationship because you have to first assess yourself. I currently am really trying to figure out why the "gods" have placed me in my current relationship. It's a very dynamic relationship. There is a lot going on in it. Stuff that's within our control and stuff that's not. I'm focused on the stuff that I feel I am not in control of.

I HONESTLY feel like I was placed in this relationship, regardless of whether or not I wanted to be there or not. So I'm like okay, what and where the fck is the lesson cause there is some major weirdness going on.

Even on the days I want to quit, I can't quite do it. And I really don't think that it's me that's holding me back or her that's holding me in. It just is what it is.

But there are those days when I sit and think, come on now universe this can't be what I'm supposed to be going through.

And the hopeless woman in me sometimes (rarely) thinks dayum, if it ends what do I have to look forward to. The dating game is fcked and has been fcked ever since I became apart of it. I think dayum, I am going to be alone, which isn't so bad until you add the forever piece, lol.

So what the fck do you do, wait it out, force yourself to say fck it? I really don't know. But more and more I begin to think that relationships just aren't for me. I just don't operate well in them.

So what is the universe telling me. That I'm supposed to spend this lifetime alone.
Or that I just haven't found where I'm supposed to be...

30...

2007-11-16T08:53:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning and put on close to stylish apparel. I say close because I was having a major shoe crisis and I didn't have any appropriate hair clips to properly accessorize myself. I'll give myself a pass on the hair because thanks to ceramic flat irons, my bad days are good. But the foot factor was questionable. A sweater with a collared shirt underneath and corduroys (the kind that look winterized, not 1970ish), I was somewhat impressed with my choice of colors. But then I dared to put on a pair of boots that tipped me right over to 30 years of age.

Not that 30 years old is old or a bad thing. Like Jay said, 30 is the new 20, right? I speak more of that mental 30. Where you transition from fashionable to convenient. Where clothes become something that you put on your back. Where you loose your creative sense of style. Ahhhhh...
So I politely ask my one and only, "do these boots make me look 30", she politely and disgustedly answers, "yes" and walks away.

People. That made me want to rage against the fckn machine, reclaim my youth, my adventure so in retaliation, what did I do...I slapped on a pair of Adidas. I said to myself, that will show them! She walks by again and asks "are you wearing those". So I went into the other room and removed my retro Top Tens and put on my work sneaks and packed my pointy flats.

Got dammit!

Now I'm dressed for work, looking more Fall '99, than hip. How disappointing. I feel like a bum.

If I don't fix this pre-30, I'm doomed for post-30. And I only have a few more minutes left to fix these close calls.

Why is life so complicated! Lol.

Women's Work...

2007-11-06T08:21:00.000-05:00

I recently joined a women's group. I kind of found out about it by accident. At some point or another I gave my email to a holistic wellness center. I began getting emails out of the blue about different events and meetings. Any hoo, I decided to check out the meeting for a newly starting "women's group". Now that I think about it, I don't know why in the world I'd do such a thing.

The first night I went, there were women there of varying ages and ethnicities. We discuss the purpose of the group, which was simply to share and address our feelings with each other and with ourselves. From the beginning, the level of comfort and dynamics of the room were amazing.

To get to the point, I went last night and couldn't even make it past our "checking in" intro. I was overwhelmed. I was the first to start my "work". Looking back, I'm embarrassed. Even with all of the love in the room. I guess being vulnerable can be shameful for some. Vulnerable is what I felt like too because people have now seen me very close to my lowest of lows. But we all shared, we all experienced, we all had the sullen look of wanting to be fixed.

I want to be fixed. Let me rephrase, I want to stay glued together.

It's weird how you can find something within a group of complete strangers that's hard to find in already established family or friends. It's almost like we were all brought together for a reason.

This entry isn't arranged very well, or at least the way I'd like, but it does allow me to share tidbits of my experience. Which is good enough.

Thanks for listening.

Damn...

2007-11-01T10:10:00.000-05:00

Damn.

I done did it again. I'm jammed up. I joined a group that I know longer want to be apart of. And why not make it more interesting by resting my whole livelihood around it. The last 2 times this happened, my escape was long and torturous, this time around, I'm not sure what it'll be. I'd actually am not out to set the record straight or to make others miserable, I just want what I deserve.

I mean, you try to do the right thing, just to find out that what you're doing doesn't matter one way or another. You're just for show, a front, a scapegoat even. The sht fcks my mind up every time I think about it. So day after day, I commit and feel useless. But I can't even reveal that I know it's all a game, I must play until I leave. Because once you're discovered, you're gone anyway.

I've never been good at being phoney, that's actually on my list of weaknesses. Because now days if you can't fake it, you aint gonna make it. Maybe that's why I'm not making it too good. I keep trying to swim up stream, but that current gets overwhelming, son. So these days, I've been walking around with half a mask, letting my inner feelings be partially exposed. That's the best I can do. I don't even want the other half of the mask, it stinks.

But stink is the perfume of success...

What...

2007-10-30T07:53:00.000-05:00

Lately, I've found myself asking...WHAT is the point. Really, I sometimes think that I'm in the Matrix. Not the movie persay, but definitely a similar side show.

Are we living to die?
Are we on Jesus Idol, where the "Lord" picks the best performers to go to Heaven instead of Vegas?
Are we working to have all of this "stuff" that you don't and won't need in thee end?

I just find myself asking more and more about WHAT it is that we are doing here.

There is no unity, there is no harmony, and daily people seem to work at being divided. So once again I ask WHAT are we here for.

I guess my commentary is a little hopeless sounding, but I am far from hopeless, because without it, I would have given up a long time ago.

I just operate to fit in, fill in, and be in. Because at the end of the day I don't really know WHAT the fck I am doing it for. Sometimes I get confused about whether or not I'm following nature or society. I aim to follow "nature"...my nature, which I believe is pure once I rinse off the stink of societial influence. It's hard to go on day to day when you're still looking for purpose and point.

But none-the-less, I go on, live on and be on, until I'm off.
But then WHAT...

Stand Up!...or not.

2007-08-20T07:17:00.000-05:00

While I was diligently handling the tasks of my job, behind me I hear conversations that I'd rather not hear. Because of my poor work privacy, I grit and bare.

Then it gets juicy. The nice young gentleman behind me decides he wants to talk about his experience with "gays". I'm thinking alrighty, who gives a fck. Maybe he'll shut up.

But why would he do that!

Read, read, read...type, type, type.

Then I hear, blah, blah, blah, the lesbians...
(Umm, alrighty again)

But then he goes on to talk about how he thinks that it's unnatural and that's for their maker to judge. And of course they got that way because some man hurt them so dearly. Oh and how it's their choice, so let God deal with it.

I can not for the life of me understand why people give two fcks about gay people and whether it's a yay or nay in "God's eyes". There are people killing people, raping, ruining the lives of others and people seem to always get stuck on what "the gays" are doing. WHY?

I'm sorry, when people get SO serious about "the gays", I start to think that you're fighting some type of unaddressed emotion about your own sexuality. I'm not being sarcastic either, I REALLY believe that is the case a large percentage of the time, men and women.

I digress.

As he got more and more vocal about how sinful being gay is, I got more and more annoyed. Because I am the first to say, "hey beotches of the world, it's your fcking opinion, enjoy".

But I will not tolerate that bullsht at work. (Especially, not for this lil' bit of coins, lol)

So I walks over to the man and woman and say hey, I'm "gay" and you're making me uncomfortable". They're like huh. So I repeat myself. They give me the strangest look and say I'm sorry and he walks aways from my area.

All and all, I just think that people should watch which group you want to discriminate against. Because at a moments notice it could be you. (And the lady he was talking to was Mexican, so I'm thinking btch you DEFINITELY should hush, cause ya'll on the "hate list" big time!)

Although neither was Black, not too long ago nigs was tellin us that we aint in da Bible and God aint on our side. And they had the nerve to make it law. Not too long ago, someone could call us niggers and monkeys and unnatural, and denied us rights and life...

Anyway, "You're making me uncomfortable" is the best I could come up with. Not all that, but I refused to NOT say anything. And I was waiting for someone to get gansta so the Black and the HRC (Human Rights Campaign) could come right up out of me, lol. I'm thinking this aint 1960, son. I'll have your azz and her azz in HR, so fckin fast!

UGH.

ON a more serious note, that sht made me sad, mad too, but sad and hurt. The fact that people feel so comfortable speaking that way. Cause I thought damn, this must be how it felt being Black amongst Whites before lawsuits and sht. It was degrading. I hope that I've never made anyone feel that way.

I think sometimes, how did I get here. I did not choose to be "gay".
I think how did I become apart of a group that everyone hates.
How did I become apart of a group that isn't afforded the same rights as everyone else.

People think that being gay is about ass sex and dildos. If only it were that simple.
It's hard and we struggle and we have to fight for sht that people don't think twice about.

Fck it, I don't even wanna talk about it anymore...

Church Bells...

2007-08-15T06:53:00.000-05:00

People, myself included, can be completely in love with the idea of being married. And my question is why?

(Note: From the commentary of this blog and others, it should be obvious that I aint havin the bestest of days.)

Up until now, I got all gitty at the thought of marriage or some interpretative form of it. But as my life screams "you'ze married now", I scream "oh sht, get me out of here".

I feel married. Too married. We have a baby a.k.a Danny the Doberman, we have a house. Married.

Okay, to explain the dog baby thing...the dog is like a child, he needs constant attention. He can't be left alone. He cries when we put him to sleep in his cage. He wakes up in the middle of the night crying. He's gotten sick twice, which has cost us hundreds of dollars. He's almost died. And he eats alot. Blower.

This doggy thing has strained our relationship, mentally and financially. Our parenting skills are different. Blah, blah, blah.

We act and operate like the little married stories you see on tv. We have our good days and our bad.

All this to say married life is hard! It takes alot of nurturing and real sincere love. It requires you to think about someone else all the time. It truly causes you to share you life with another being. And that's hard. Well to me. Cause it's always go-team-go, when you really might wanna just do you.

Maybe that's why so many people run from the sht. Cause they just want to live for themselves.
Now I see why men prolong it or get in it and dishonor every rule. Because to live it on the straight and narrow takes work and commitment and trust, etc. Most people can't handle it.

Don't get me wrong, I loves my girlfriend, truely, sincerely, deeply.

Now I think about it. Who said nigs had to get married anyway. Who said that yo life had to be shared with one other person fo-eva.

Da Bible? Umm, humm...

Purified Water vs. Blood

2007-08-13T14:26:00.000-05:00

I have an undeserving loyalty to my family.

After confusion and mayham spawned my exile, I was crushed and confused.
I wanted to get back in for reasons beyond my understanding. And apparently beyond the understanding of my girlfriend.

Some instances she'd try to play psy-ky, but on others she's like pah-leeze drop those zeros. Dropping those zeros, might I add, would have entailed me having NO family. None.

And all of this discussion stemming from a big misunderstanding coated with a few drops of ignorance.

But after "clarification" I, the loyal servant of an undeserving family, am all smiles and giggles, to my girlfriend's dismay. Her views come from the perspective of an outsider who sees pure disfunct and neglect. But the eyes of the insider, me, have on a completely different pair of specs which visions hope and approval.

A situation too complex for the uninvolved.

So now we have the division...Purified Water vs. Blood.
A division that will always be divided.

So what's a girl to do, when the compromised love from her family is better than no love?
Keep loving?

Destiny...

2007-07-05T12:10:00.000-05:00

They say that we are in control of your own destiny. But are we?

Cause it seems to me that at times destiny has it's own plans.

I often feel that our stories are already written. We're acting out a prewritten script.
And that fact that we don't know the ending is what keeps us flailing along.

Inside-Out...

2007-06-25T09:38:00.000-05:00

Today I started thinking more in depth about a lil' something that's been bothering me. While folding clothes I thought to myself about my wardrobe and how I used to be in high school versus how I am today. Nothing too deep, but just a reflection of the outside.

I was such the risk taker in high school dressing how I wanted despite ridicule. I guess some say that's what being a teenager is all about about, but with some, such as me, I disagree. I expressed myself honestly and truthfully. My outside truly reflected my inside despite how good, and unfortunately how bad.

Now, as I age, and yes I say that with a little salt behind my words, I realize that I've lost my external way. I no longer dress to express, I dress for necess-ity. I might as well wear a frickin' uniform. One for work, one for the store, and one for casual ventures out. And my beloved boo-piece doesn't help, because she could not care less.

Oh and to make matters even worse, I suck at forcing it. Just not my thing. Every time I attempt to force it I come off looking too old or too young. Both which are quite sad in my lil' eyes.

So now that it is officially on my mind, maybe some sense of style can creep back into my existence, because boring was never my thing. I guess, because of life and it's many demands it's not hard to loose one's self, externally or internally. Because I look in the mirror and my insides yarn or better yet, squinch to figure out what it's looking at.

(Light bulb moment)

*Eureka*...Maybe this is the first time in a long time that I have actually felt comfortable reflecting what's on the inside. Whoa, okay, I think that's it. I have watered myself down to be around a range of people, hence what appears on the outside is watered down.

I tell you, simple things are seldom simple.

I am me and that's who I want to present myself as.

Saving 10-12...

2007-06-06T07:12:00.000-05:00

The phone rings...the display says "Private Cell".
Who can that be?

Just in case...let it ring... they can leave a message.

20 minutes later the phones rings again. It's you. But why would you be calling me.
It's over and has been for a while.

"1 New Voicemail"...it's you and you've been crying. Why?

Born the same day, different year. It was as if all of my inner workings were bundled and personified. All of my past strife displayed in front of me.

I wanted to save you, because in my mind, saving you might save me. Save that ailing inner girl drowning in a world of insecurity, indecision, and mental incarceration.

I wanted to save you, even if that meant, that I had to drown a little.

And drown I did.
Three years...Three years of drowning.

Finally...I let you go, to save me. To free me.
The load of the pained girl was too much.
I could not save you, nor was I supposed to.

Nearly instantaneous, life was anew. Reaching the surface of that ocean of burden, stepping out unto new sands. I drown no more. A rebirthing.

But even now, I hear you cry. Through life's challenges, have I weakened so, that the defeated girl still summons me? Or is it a test?

The phone rings...

"Hey, you can't call me anymore."

"Why...is it a problem?"

"Yeah"

Call-Me-A-Cab...

2007-06-04T07:19:00.000-05:00

Call-Me-A-Cab is the name of the refreshing beverage that almost ruined my visit to the M.I.A. this weekend. BUT it also is the refreshing beverage that united Baltimore and New Jersey for several hours.

Coincidentally, or maybe not, the two men we initially met were the astrological signs of our mothers, go figure. And coincidentally, or maybe not, we gravitated to our corresponding "mothers".

These men, 10 years our senior, appeared to be decent black men. (And I suppose I mean that in comparison to the onslaught of sub-par black men out there.) These men despite their qualities apparently feared the commitment of marriage. But they possessed a firm sense of the workings of women, something that I've always appreciated and feared in men.

After guards were partially let down, we discussed the makings and differences between men and women, in addition to random life sht. Conversations that black women rarely take up with strangers (women strangers, that is).

The third gentleman that joined us was a robust fella, with a budding sense
of humor and uncanny insight. Realizing that we all found each other "intellectually" stimulating, we began to "read" one another, somewhat boasting on our ability to see past bullsht and to declare real sht.

And of course I was not spared, because I was a hit with a lil' "read" that has bothered me since it hit my ears. I was told that I know I am cute, but I try to act like I'm not. What the fck does that mean? I'm thinking do I actually "hide" myself due to some type of fear? I'm still thinkin' 'bout it so Imma save that analysis for another time.

But we all gave potshots to one another, humbly stinging each other. Accusations of fear of commitment, cattiness, insecurity, and the cursed man having daughter(s)as punishment for past sins, etc.

Afterwards we washed away our sins in the ocean, being way too familiar. But none-the-less enjoying good company.

Sadly, connections like that don't happen to often, but I can appreciate it the same.

So as they say...what happens in Miami stays in Miami...which is by default for me because I really don't remember the rest.
:)

*shrug*

Wicked-The Novel...

2007-06-01T07:56:00.000-05:00

I've taken a liking to the novel Wicked by Gregory Maguire. Why so much
to actually blog about it, I don't know. A few days ago I reached that
dreaded section before the climax, where it was drug out and boring.
But Luckily I've made my way out of that section.

As the novel tells of the Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West, I couldn't
help but relate the various details to those of today.

In the Wizard of Oz, she's already type casted and judged. We think ooo, how ugly, green and wicked she is. And we boo hoo for pale lil Dorothy. BUT, ha haaa, we never stop to think about why she became that way. We really forget that the btch mighta had a life that drove her to wanted to kill urbody!

SO...to get to the point. It makes me think about people today. When people are
unpleasant, ignorant, etc., I like to stop and think dayum, how you get like dis.

Seldom do I judge a person on solitary actions alone, I like to know why
people do them. I like to get a better sense of the person behind the
actions. I guess because it tells you so much.

Not to say I'm saintly cause even after I figure out the whats and whys, on certain occasions, I still don't give a flying fck. BUT it's just good to know. lol.

So now after being 300+ pages into the book, I am on the Witch's side.
Born green, she didn't have a chance in hell. She actually had
compassion for the world, so much so that she removed herself from it.
Now that's deep.

Eager for the ending, I am satisfied with what I've found out thus far.

And despite the boring center of the book, it is a very descriptive, insightful, slightly girl-powerish(to me)and interesting.

So as they say...don't judge a book by its cover, even if it's green. And that sht, my friends, is da truth.

Partner...

2007-05-30T14:08:00.000-05:00

Why have gay people added yet another self defining term to the list. PARTNER is the new word. So now we don't have husbands, wives, girlfriends, or boyfriends we have "partners".

I HATE IT.

I don't wanna call T my dayum parnter, but I keep feeling the pressure to do so. Cause it's the latest craze.

It's like, let's make up this word that will show that we're serious about our relationships. Boooooooooooooooooooo!

She's my girlfriend and when we get married she'll be my wife. Why she gotta be my partner?

I was talkin to this lady and she was trying to say the right terminology and she asked me what it was. I told her...Sht I don't know, I can't keep up.

"Nice to meet you so and so...oh, this is my partner"...That sht don't even sound right to me!

Oh well, I haven't decided on what Imma do yet...for now I've stuck to "girlfriend" and that's working well.

Maybe if I can get the word partner out one time, I'll be able to adapt it into my vocabulary...

Ovarian...

2007-05-23T07:33:00.000-05:00

It's crazy. Recent events have provided distance between myself and others. And the same is occuring for T. At this point in time the biggest dissapointments have been from women. Black women. Which adds a little more sting than usual. This fake bond that I want women in general to have is obviously stupid and highly unrealistic.

As I blogged about before, people just aren't happy for others. I guess the happiness you have for others stems from the happiness you have for yourself. I'll just speak on Black women because they are the sole subject of these feelings I have.

I just aint feelin'em. Thee other day I was tellin T that, a test of a true friendship isn't so much when you're down and going through something, it's when things are going good for you that you see the realness of a relationship. Because only a real friend can be happy for you when you meet and even better surpass them in certain facets of life.

Now I see why older women seldom have female friends. Pardon my French, but btches are haters. They show their disdain for you in many ways and it often varies per person. They may be rude, evasive, demeaning or distant. None-the-less, I've seen these qualities in various females this week and it is humorous at best. I take that back it's sad.

People seem to be all ears for tragedy and lackluster in regards to happiness. That truely saddens me. Really. I guess the reason I feel compelled to Blog about this is because I've seen it from a multitude of women in a week's timeframe.

From my recent experiences, I aint feelin Black women right now, they crabs in a bucket to me...

Happy...

2007-05-02T08:21:00.000-05:00

I decided to call this "Happy" instead of the all to overused "Gay".
As I watched "Workout" last night, I was saddened. Saddened as Jackie recalled her high school gayness and as they showed her interaction with her mother about her gayness. (FYI...Lol@ "gayness"...but you know what I mean)

Sure people feel free to through slurs, ask DUMB questions, force their adaptation of religion down your throat, but I don't think that they quite understand that painful effect that it has on someone's life.

People kinda look at you like an anomaly, a freak of nature. And all I see myself as as is ME. I don't know why people feel so comfortable targeting gay people. It's like it's open season. Why do people feel the need to go out of their way to make gay people uncomfortable.

In the beginning I said that if I could do it again, I would live in secrecy the rest of my life, just to avoid the struggle. But the times I did utilize the "don't ask don't tell" philosopy I felt ashamed and miserable. I couldn't live my life like that. I'd rather face the odds. Now I speak proudly, when I choose to speak at all.

People laugh and snicker and whose the boy and whose the girl and how strickly dickly they are, not realizing that none of that stuff matters. People still surface dwelling. And I think that's fcking corny.

People, inclusive of myself, have endured so much pain and suffering for being who they are. People don't realize how it feels to have the government deny you rights, to have people stare at you when you walk down the street, to have people not want to be your friend or your family anymore, to have people distant themselves from you, and to be out right discriminated against.

Sigh...I can go on and on and spin this a million different ways, but I'll save that for other blogs, lol.

I just wish that before people hear the word lesbian or gay and think of entertainment, to realize that there are people behind those words, people who wish to live their lives, just like everyone else.

Hurt...

2007-03-12T10:03:00.000-05:00

I've never been comfortable with hurt and pain cause by another person. It's so devastating to me. It's like they have control over you and have inflicted something upon you that you didn't want. But what can you do? If you keep your guards up too often you become out of touch with those who actually allow themselves to feel. But if you give what you've received, then that makes you vengeful. Few people can control vengeance. It application rarely stays to those LARGE offenders, it typically ends up being applied to petty offenses too.

So what do you do when people you love hurt you. Even after they give an apology. And what the fck is an apology. I can count on ONE hand how many people have apologized to me and I really felt like they meant it and were actually "sorry" for what they had done. I take apologies serious. Too serious. I actually expect that change and revolution will take place after it's said,lol. Dumb right. Cause who the fck feels sorry anymore. I know people who are sorry (sorry individuals, that is), but I don't know many people who are true to their apologies.

An apology compiled with change can only be done by a person who is working on their character, their spirit, and obviously their relationship with you.

So in the end, don't hurt me, that way you won't have to apologize and mean it.

Boo hoo...

Snap...Crackle...Pop!

2007-02-20T08:20:00.000-05:00

The human mind is a sensative structure. Far too often do we underestimate it's capabilities and it's strength. And far too often do we abuse it, thinking that we'll get away with it scott-free. I sometimes think of the mind as something that needs to be fed, nutured, and loved. Giving it is fair balance of nutrients and allowing it to dispose of the unnecessary. Granted some people's check and balance system is screwed from the jump and some of us just don't get it.

SNAP...Snap is sound you hear when you are first mentally pushed over your pyschological edge. It's like stepping on a branch as you walk through the forest. Although you continue to walk on, a butterfly effect has been initiated. Here marks the beginning of the process.

CRACKLE...Crackle is the more continuous sound you hear, when the snap is over looked. As you walk through life many branches are breaking. No longer are you able to hide the effects of the many forces that are contributing to you mental struggle. Some struggle to keep their balance and to appear normal. But those who know you well know that something isn't right. You appear to be a little less patient, a little more on edge, a little less compassionate. Some drink a little bit more, smoke a little bit longer, eat a little more often.

POP...Pop is fun! Pop is when the fascade is over. Fuck a branch, the tree has fallen. Pop can be heard by your friends, your enemies and strangers a like. Or it can be as silent as laying in a corner and crying alone. Letting out the emotion that should have been addressed at snap.

I thought about this SNAP CRACKLE POP, during my POP. And I said wow this started a while back and because I, in my own way, chose to ignore my inner self and I had to go through a far more exhausting process. I mastered the art of recognizing the inner pain and unhappiness of others, but failed to look at myself.

I of all people have learned that you have to listen to yourself. Your real self. Not the self that wears a mask for the world. When you don't pay attention to your body and your mind, you are bound for struggle and even failure. You must know how to cleanse yourself. How to discard waste. You must know how to rejuvenate yourself. You must learn you. And on another note, I've realized that being as that we're all kindred spirits, if you learn you, you'll learn alot about others as well.

Train Ride...

2007-02-15T14:40:00.000-05:00

The train pulled in on a different track this morning. It's a big deal because I like to sit in the same seat (by the window), and the same car everyday. (So what, I'm a creature of habit.) And it's hard to figure that out when the train is on a different track. Anyway, I believed that I was on the right car, and squeezed by a large dude that was sittin next my favorite seat.

Anyway...he raised his head and referenced the amount of sugar that I was placing in my coffee, after he lifted his head from the book he was reading. I busted out laughing, slightly out of embarassment, cause I was thinking, damn how many packs DID I put in my lil' cup.

Anyway we began chit chatting about various things, one being getting sick. I politely shared the story about me suffering from food poisoning and throwing up all over myself in my car. And then we talked about youth, getting old, alcohol, blessings, cooking, siblings etc. It was quite enjoyable. I thought, hummm, what a cool dude. Just tryna survive. Only the lawd knows what he thought about me.

But it made me think, hummm, why don't women (strangers) have decent miscellaneous convo. I mean if it does happen, it's either about men, children, or talkin bout people. Maybe it's just me. But I rarely if ever have decent conversations with female strangers. Do I bond better with men? I know that sounds crazy coming from someone who dates women, but I'm talking about outside of a relationship. Hmpf.

In conclusion as we reached his stop, he asked if we could exchange numbers and I politely said no, gave him a pound (cause I had been wiping my nose the whole time) and wished him farewell. I didn't think he was out of line. But I just thought, dang, why can't men and women be friends. Why does it always have to go somewhere else? I hate that. Because I like hangin out with guys.

It's so unfortunate to me. It's like dag, are my male-female interactions going to be confined to a train ride. Am I ever going to be friends with a male again?

Anyway. Just something that I was thinkin bout.

Oh well.

Professionality...

2007-02-07T09:13:00.000-05:00

I have noticed over the past few years that at work I've had set aside more and more of my personality and turned on my professionality. Up until this year I have resented this process because I felt like it was draining and possibly unnecessary. But as I mature I realize that it's just apart of the game. And playing that game the right way is apart of my success.

This are is most definitely important considering that I am a Black young woman. Black, young, and woman are all antitheses of today's work environment, especially as you rise to the top.

The reason I blog is because I think that I have accepted my duty and I have begun to develop my professionality. I mean I am still myself, but with a twist. Kinda like when in Rome do as the Romans. Because otherwise I'd get swollowed up, over looked, bypassed, etc. And I'm really not feeling that.

Should I sit back and watch them make rank and sit in the back of the line?
Hell No.

So 2 points for me.
Thee end.
:)

Jelly 2...

2007-02-05T08:23:00.000-05:00

The Update. How about there is no update. She didn't come because of x,y,z.

Did I really expect life to throw me freebie and let me prepare days in advance for an uncomfortable situation? Why would that happen? Lol. Your toughest moments, especially new ones, seldom come when expected. They usually come right at the time you least expect it. At that time that you're most likely to act on impulse and show your ass.

I guess these unexpected feelings are a sign that my feelings have gone to some sort of next level. I hate to call this situation a next level. But my inner feelings about the possible situation represent a next level. I almost feel foolish, but others may call it preemptive.

Oh no, I might be loosing my swagger.

Boo hoo...

Jelly...

2007-02-02T13:59:00.000-05:00

I've never really considered myself the jealous type, probably because I haven't really cared enough about anyone I've dated to even be worried. I've always had the whole icicle heart thing going on. Of course this was completely annoying to anyone who liked me. But I couldn't help it.

Now that I think about it, I prided myself on being the non-jealous type. I thought it added to my confidence, security, self-image...just my whole fckin swagger. Lol.

But little did I know I was over due.

Tweet found a Black (lol) at her job to trip with. Coincidently she's bi, but has a boyfriend. Boo. Pre-bi info, I knew somethin wasn't right. Once people know you gay, there is bound to be one to give you extraness.

So anyway, it was just announced that she was invited to the Super Bowl Party at our cousin's house. When the news came through the phone and in my ear, I had this DA FUKK come over me. It was terribly involuntary, but hey. Anyhoo, she was like yeah, I invited her and she's coming. I'm thinking, who the fck said she can come. I don't wanna be 'round no body that's given you gums and teeth all day.

Oh! And there was the call from a lunch gatherin with her and I'm like, WAIT A DAMN MINUTE.

So does this count as an act of relationship jealousy or it is it a normal watchin of thou property. Lol.

I don't like the feelin, cause I don't hide mine easily.

I guess I just need to wait until I meet her face to face. I'm a better judge of character that way.

And this isn't even about me mistrustin Tweet. It's just about women. Especially curious women. Own truss'em. Nope. Not me. Cause with them it's about the chase, not the catch. And dayum, own wanna dig in Tweet's sht bout no other woman. Cause if I even get a hint that some sht aint right bout her. Imma light some sht up for Tweet not recognizin'!!!!

And I don't wanna do that. It's so out of my character. I like the calm me.

I guess we'll see what's what. But I don't even like the thought of it in the first place.

Maybe I'm overreacting.
Yeah that's it.

Right?

Post Navel...

2007-01-30T08:22:00.000-05:00

I stated a few posts ago that I would remove my navel peircing. Last night was that night. Why? I'm not sure. It could have been sped up by a conversation that I was having at dinner on Sunday. My cousin (well Tweet's cousin) was talking about acupuncture and how the Asian guy that she goes to said that the navel is one of the worst places to pierce on your body because it is the center of your body. Something to the effect of piercing it can throw many things off balance.

And I sat and thought about it and was like hummm...

Well at some point yesterday I made up my mind that I would do it last night. And I griped and pulled and released the metal ring that was at the center of my being for damn near 10 years, I felt...I felt...a release. Of what I don't know. And I know you're thinking'girl it's a damn navel ring, pahleeze'! But hand to the man, I really felt something.

I kinda felt a sense of sadness. Like when you move and leave a friend behind. I mean, that ring wasn't just an accessory. It represented a symbol of where I was back then. I remember that me and it is different from now. It was like I unlocked a part of my past that I was holdin on to.

And as Tweet threw the hoop in the trash. I went and dug it out and placed it and the ball on the counter and stared at it. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe I'm still holdin on.

In conclusion, I personally believe that there is a rhyme and reason for most/all of the things that we do. I feel like our mental creates physical. I don't feel like I haphazardly placed holes in my body. Just like every time I cut my hair off, I feel as though there was another reason behind it besides fashionable upkeep.

Anyway...it's gone. And what remains is a hole in my center. A conclusion to one chapter and the beginning of a new. And as the hole heals, I'm sure the journey will continue.

*sigh*

Repeats...

2007-01-22T09:09:00.000-05:00

They say that if you don't learn from history, you'll be forced to repeat it. Some people apply that to events of war, oppresion, etc. But I've come to realize that I've been believing the same thing, but referring to it as a lesson. I believe that life, in an attempt to evoke change, sends us lessons. And if you don't peep the lesson, it will be a reoccuring event in your life.

For example, Tweet noticed that she kept getting into these altercations with Bmore locals. To the point, where she had written off the city as a place she didn't belong. But obviously a rock hit her in the head a day after altercation number 1,302. She was like yo, the same thing keeps happening to me because I keep handling it the same way. She realized that the common thread in all of this was not just the ignorance of mankind, but her reaction to the ignorance of mankind.

When faced with adversity, her defense system informed her to rage against the machine and take no prisoners. When really, life was trying to tell her, btch wake up, your fckin attitude sucks and you need to change it to get pass this. Although she's about 26 years late, she finally gets that she needs to stop letting people control her, by letting them get her upset.

And I had a little test myself. This particular one wasn't so random. It came in the form of a pestering ex, who occasionally likes to come check in to assess my current social standing and piss on what he believed to be his territory. But, HARK!, this time was a little different. I actually put part of my foot down. Of course I had some help from the person above, who gave me the extra strength by diggin' in my ass so to speak. But none the less, I did it. Lol!

I finally decided to do something different and start ending this god foresaking drag out that he and I have done for years! And after I did it, I was like whew.

In the end, you can't run from your issues or your problems, because all they do is resurface every time you try to bury those bones. It's funny, because life is really set up for you to live and learn. It's just that our nature somehow wants to ignore that.

Whatever, go figure.

So if you are in a vicious cycle that you want to end. Take a look at yourself. To try to see what the lesson is. Chances are that if you try something different, you'll end the cycle.

Friends...

2007-01-16T09:02:00.000-05:00

Why are friends so hard to come by.

I mean, when we were little, friends were the easiest things to get, but as adults it's one of the hardest.

For majority of my lifetime, I've had the same friends, dating back to elementary. Which can be considered good, cause it shows that you have a true bond and you've stood the test of time. BUT little did I know that sht don't mean anything, cause when folks get grown and stressed, sht changes.

So because I've maintained only my childhood friends, when the relationships wore thin, I was/am left alone. And I guess I could throw in my ex-boyfriend who I deemed as a friend, cause that last 10 years. Cause he gone too.

But none-the-less, they're all gone. My only friend now is my girlfriend.

No, let me go visit so and so or we're going shopping or to the mall. Just me.

I've grown accustom to it, but I still feel that it's a little sad.
I parted with these people because of some imbalance that was there between us. I started feeling like they weren't adding anything to my life. But how did they feel about me? Was I a good friend? Was I also lacking?

And now I sample new people out, but I when I start to feel that it's just wasted time and energy, I pull away from them too. I'm weary about who I open up to and I don't share my life with just anyone. So I don't regret me retreating from various folk, cause my lil' intincts be ON POINT and I won't question that.

People really be on some next sht.

Anyway, I'm grateful for the friend that I have. Cause at least I knows that she realy does care about me and my well being. And it's hard to find anyone to do that sht!! And she is crazy as a mutha, but hey so am I.

And of course one of my "ex-friends" would email me as I write this blog...

Life is funny.

Ink and holes...

2007-01-15T09:48:00.000-05:00

The other day I looked at the remaining piercings that I have left and I mentally decided that when I tone my tummy that I'm going to loose the navel piercing. It's real subtle and really acts as like a very basic accessary, but I'm ready to let it go. Finally. I've had it for about 8 years now. That's long enough. Right?

I then began thinking why did I get it in the first place. And I still can't answer that. Then I started thinking about why I got any of my piercings and any of my tattoos. People always ask what mine mean and I've never really been able to come up with much. Maybe it's because the people who are asking really don't deserve an answer in the first place. It's always people who really don't have tattoos or have little trendy ones. People who are really tatted up don't really ask.

I LOVE my tattoos, they are apart of me. They represent stages of my life and still frames of my struggle. I don't think that I realized that before. I don't think that I've ever gotten one aimlessly (well maybe one, lol), nor have I gotten one on some quest to be deep. It's like I get them at the most subconsciously perfect timing.

I want to get one this spring. I just feel like I'm not finished yet. I'll be finished soon. I think. Either way, I'll keep it moving getting them just when the timing is right...

*Sigh*

Energy...

2007-01-12T08:48:00.000-05:00

After a very depressing blog last night, I started thinking as I walked home from the train station. I started thinking about how people transfer energy, vibes, etc. Whatever you wanna call it. People seem to be largely intune with feeling someone's bad vibes, but not so intune with the good ones.

Some examples:

-Most people can "feel" when someone is staring at them, even if they're not looking at the person.

-Dogs can sense fear.

-Someone can be in your presence and you can sense a "bad vibe" about them.

-Some people actually sense danger or when something in their space isn't right.

So why is sensing good stuff not as easy. Where is the good intuition? Granted, when I'm jammed up I do sometimes feel this overwhelming sense of calm like "everything is going to be okay". So I guess that counts as something.

People say that if you do something "bad" that it is most definitely is going to catch up with you. But are people as confident saying that when you do something good. Is that sht guaranteed?

I feel like I need to tap into my goodness. I need to stop worrying and think POSITIVE and then it will come full cirlce.

Woooooo siiiiiiii...

Da struggle...

2007-01-11T17:42:00.000-05:00

I'm supposed to be working on my Thesis at this very second, but I'm distracted. By what? Life. I'm kinda getting close to stressed out. I'm just tired. Tired of trying to do and take care of EVERYTHING. I feel like I need to split myself in two sometimes to get more done.

Okay, there's work...
I have to put on the fake smiles and interactions so I won't seem like an angry, beat down Black woman, who really just wants to hit the lottery and not work for anyone ever again. But I digress...moving on.

There is the relationship...
Relationships are stressful. You gotta listen to their sht even when you beat down from dealing with yours. You gotta be bothered when you really don't wanna be, etc. Sure it has it's perks, but it is an added responsibility.

There is the fam...
My parents are older, so when I go over to their house it's always do this do that. Guess what happened, yo'momma did this, yo' brother did that. Just too much.

Then there are finances...
As I/we move forward to do this house thing, I realize that I'm a broke azz beotch and will be one for a few minutes if some miracle doesn't happen. I'm like damn, I've been thru the humblin' process, why am I still strugglin'. When is it going to be my time to be able to NOT be stressin' and calculatin' my finances every fckin second!

Finally, there is my Thesis...
I'm not finished yet. Thee end.

Those are my top 5 stressors, things that just have following me around and ridin' my back. In retrospect, I see progress, I've changed, my life has changed, almost everything has changed...for the better. But I still feel beaten. I still feel like I'm chasing a carrot that I'm never gonna get. I just want to breathe easy. When is my break. Don't I deserve one?

When my day comin...huh?

Depressing blog I know, but that's how I feel.

Pay your Bill...

2007-01-08T09:05:00.000-05:00

This blog will be brief, cause I'm tired of talking about it cause I don't get it. Why is it that when you go out with a bunch of Black folk, the bill ALWAYS ends up being short. WHY?

I went to McCormick & Schmick for a birthday party. And a part of me was frightened at the fact that there were 15 people in the party. Which means that there are 15 prime opportunities for personal deductions off of the bill.

So just as suspected, the $700 bill was about $100 short. Damn you people. Damn YOU!!! Why do that? Just pay your part. Why are you ordering bottles of wine and soup and entrees and tryna pay $40. Da Fukk!! then people slipped some cash and left before the bill was settled. Why are you doing that!?? Why? They probably didn't pay their full amount either.

It took us about 45 minutes to settle the bill. 45 minutes too long. I was exhausted afterwards. My "cousin" had to pay an extra $70, to cover for it, because she had arranged the dinner and didn't want the guest of honor to be upset.

On another note. She gave out party favors at HER party. I thought that was SOOOO cute. She gave everyone a gift card to Starbucks. And just to think that she had asses at her party that didn't pay for all their food. And of course I felt like poor Black trash when I was greeted with a party favor and gave her an empty ass card. Luckily, my "cousin" saved us and gave us a gift card to put in the card.

Sheesh...

But I can admit that is the last time that I will attend a celebration with just an empty card. I was used to giving to trifling people, that I just cut it off for everyone. But now I know that if you aren't comfortable giving someone something that you shouldn't even go anywhere with them to celebrate.

And I after the "we don't have enough money for the bill" thing happening for the zillionth time, I don't even want to go to a dinner party, unless the checks are split, cause damn!!

Lawd!!!

New Year Resolutions...

2007-01-08T08:38:00.000-05:00

This year, I refrained from mentally harping on setting and trying to achieve set New Year Resolutions. My reasoning is greatly due to the fact that I realized that I have the same damn goals every year!!! Off the top I can easily list a couple...

a. Eating "right"
b. Exercising
c. Increasing sprituality
d. Improving attitude
e. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

This year I've taken a different approach. I have decided that there are two lists in my life, yes TWO. My first list is ongoing, just constant things that as long as I live I need to do, such as the things listed above and a few more. The second list is somewhat of a resolution list, but more of a To Do List. I usually create those daily/weekly, but hey why not annually too!!

Now, I haven't quite established this "To Do List" because I'm too busy finishing my daily and weekly list. LOL!!! But really I do have a few in the mental, but they are so important, I'd feel like I was jinxing them, by displaying them. Hmpf.

Well the year before last, I did something a little different. I made a list of things that I've always wanted to do, that I've done that year. That list was awesome, because I could see that I made strides to just do it, instead of thinking about it.

So maybe I'll start posting the things that I've done, as opposed to the things I want to do.

Either way, I plan to accomplish a lot this year, because I feel like I've just awakened from some type of stuper that I've been in for the last couple of years. And I'm ready to do some new sht, cause the old ain't workin.

Happiness...

2006-12-21T09:49:00.000-05:00

Maybe I'm biased or coming from some "insecure" spot in my lil' brain. But to me it seems like people really aren't happy for people the way they should be. Now maybe I'm wrong, maybe my expectations are too high. And I'll admit, I expect alot from people. Well let me rephrase, I expect alot from people who are claiming certain positions, such as "friends", "family", and even "associates". These are people that are apart of my circle...well one of the rings in my circle.

It's like when you present "good" news to people, people that I've run into don't seem that concerned. It's like, congrats, but whatever cause it's not me. Now this could all be in my head, but I doubt it. It just makes me want to keep all my happiness to myself, cause no one wants to hear it. Hey, and the fake "I'm happy for you" can be left behind. I definitely don't crave or desire insincerity. So whatever.

Are people that sad that they can't be happy for other people? Or am I too reliant upon others sharing my happiness?

Either way Imma shave down my expectations down to the bone, so when I get that dry ass shit, I'll be like "oh, okay" instead of "you miserable biatch"! LMAO!

Hmpf, when I think about it, how can someone be happy for you if they're not happy themselves! Shit, I know when I was a miserable youth, I wasn't happy for a motherfucka. LMAO! Dag, Ima crackin' myself up today.

Anyway...I don't know how to conclude this cause it's so based upon MY perception of people's reaction. And although I believe that I am Queen of Inuition, I might have it all messed up.

I don't know.

Okay...I've conjured up a conclusion...

I wish happiness for all of those who I thought weren't happy for me!

:)

I like the way that sounds, and I truely mean it.
I do.

December 13th...

2006-12-15T08:35:00.000-05:00

I told myself numerous times for the last 3 days that I was not going to blog about this, but it has been on my mind.

December 13th is my ex-boyfriend's birthday. And this year is the first year in 10 years that I haven't bought him a gift on his birthday or seen him or talked to him. It's funny because I've been mentally counting down his birthday since the month began. Him being 3 years my senior, he pretty much ran game on me during our relationship. But I was obviously a little too stupid to realize it. But in the end it was obviously me who had the last laugh. When notice was given to Baltimore City that I was batting for the other team HE was devastated. He acted out. But in the beginning I was still under his thumb. I had declared him my friend. Going out, chillin and even seeking advice from him.

He was the one person in the world that actually took time to know the real me. Mentally I never broke up with him. I had been letting him wedge his way between every attempted relationship that I had. I now realize that he was ALWAYS first before anyone that I'd met. And that took place for YEARS. Now I think about it, he made it like that and that's the way he wanted to keep it.

I'm not even going to go into all of the nooks and crannies of his and I relationship cause that would be a book. But I guess this year is a milestone, because I think that we really never broke up until this year. We are FINALLY not together. I think that we were both holdin' on. Thinking that we'd never find the connection that we had with someone else, male or female.

The fact we don't talk anymore is crazy. Cause I actually thought of him as the only man I would ever marry. Now I realize that the person I was holdin on to might not even exist. But now that we've parted I've been blessed with someone else to share my life with. And I'm happy. Who would have thought that I'd actually be happy with someone besides him.

Whether we talk or not, he knows that I still have mad love for him and that I wish him nothing but happiness and prosperity and a lot of other shit.

So Happy Birthday, Q!!!!

Christmas...

2006-12-14T08:24:00.000-05:00

I have a lot of shit going on right now. The kid just isn't 100% these days. None-the-less I've decided to just blog on one of many issues. Christmas. I don't have a problem with Christmas, but obviously it's celebrants have a problem with me.

When I tell people that I don't celebrate Christmas, I always get the screw face, or the atheist question, or some other bullshit. I started off not celebrating Christmas due to the convincings of an ex-boyfriend, but that was 10 years ago and I long by-passed any of his manipulative teachings. Now I don't participate in the activities because I don't feel the need to.

The ongoings of Christmas just don't move me. And in this day in time, I don't even really know what everyone is celebrating. To me it would be the equivalent of me celebrating Hannakah or Lent. Days that aren't near and dear to my heart or my beliefs. People put up lights, put pine trees in their homes, buy gifts for people they like and like a lil' bit and all of that isn't me.

Are people really celebrating the birth of Christ or are people celebrating marketing ploys? Some people say that "Christmas is for the kids". But if you're celebrating the birth of Christ, why would something that important be just for children. And what does the pine tree have to do with anything. The lights on your porch. And please someone tell me what in the hell the bearded man with reindeers and elves has to do with anything Christ-like.

When people participate in the gift exchange are they really feeling the warmth of gift giving for Christ, the Savior? Or are people just doing what they've been taught to do. Breaking the bank for a religious holy day that has been completed endorsed with pagan traditions and marketing gimicks for businesses.

Tweety is very bothered by the fact that I don't celebrate Christmas. Last night she mentioned that she wanted a tree next year and asked if I really wasn't going to give her a gift for Christmas. I mean...I told her if SHE wanted a tree, SHE could get one. And that YES, I really am not getting her a gift for Christmas. She was blown.

I don't knock those who celebrate Christmas, but don't knock me because I don't. And no, I don't have to claim a religon to not participate in a celebration. I say... do you! If that's what you feel.

Me...I am spiritually trying to find my way. Which to me is harder when you're not following the pre-written rules of a particular group. I am trying to ground myself and follow my heart, soul, nature, love, and the Universe. Ha, I know I got too spacey for some of you! Lol. But really, I am trying to ground myself and be and do what I am placed on this Earth to do.

Sigh.

So in conclusion....Happy Holy Day to whatever you're celebrating, whenever you're celebrating it.

:)

Black and White...

2006-12-12T08:49:00.000-05:00

CNN advertised for a special they'll have on tonight about places that were known to "Blacks" as "before sundown" towns. You know...places where yo' black azz better be gone befo' sundown. As you know, I believe that racism is played the FUCK OUT!!! And I really mean that shit. But it's here so it is what it is!!!

Today on the elevator, a little weird W dude got on the elevator with Tweety and I and we noticed that he stood very close to the door. His fukin' nose was probably touchin' that shit. And he pressed on the 1st floor button like a million times. How sad that I can't just charge him to the crazy fuk pile and keep it movin'. But because he's a W, I have to wonder if it was some Black/White thing.

Often the Ws do strange things that makes me wonder whether or not its racially motivated. It's sad, but I'm at a point in life where I've seen so much bullsht on the W front that I often am on guard when dealing with them. I feel bad, but own truss 'em. Probably the same way they don't trust me/us.

I feel forced to play by their rules, on their turf, against their players. I don't feel apart of their society. I'm feeling Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man. And as a Black Woman, I definitely feel it. Because Number 1 women are invisble to the WORLD, and number 2 being Black just takes the damn cake. We have to make ourselves seen and heard, always having to overachieve to do it.

This day in time, I shouldn't feel like I'm always fighting some invisible war just because my skin is brown. But I do. I feel like Ws live in another world on the same planet. Them never understanding us, and us never understanding how it feels to be them.

It's fuked up. Cause as a naive young woman I thought there was one race, the human race. And as much as I still want to continue my world peace campaign, I've grown to realize that that shit aint true, at least not today.

None-the-less I must journey on as a Black woman, in a world that seems to be painted W. But I realize that the forces against me are fear-based and knowing that alone confirms MY greatness.

Ewww...I'm sounding like one of those damn people that I don't like... but shit it is what it is...

POWER TO THE PEOPLE

"You can't seperate peace from freedom, because no one can be at peace unless he has his freedom"

-X

Why I love you...

2006-12-05T08:50:00.000-05:00

This weekend I had a tiff that went something like this:

"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...you still don't even know WHY you love me!" And I childishly responded "I DO to!" And she responded with the dreaded "Why!" "Tell me why!"

Sidenote: Something that I did learn from my fellow "man" was when in doubt, go hard REAL hard. Lol!

I proceeded to taunt and make note of how it's a dumb ass question and it's purpose is questionable. Yackety smackety...Saying anything to take attention off the fact that I really didn't know why. And not because I couldn't come up with anything, but because I just never thought about it.

And after the storm was over, I began to think...why do I love her and felt bad for never giving her the simple words that she just wanted to hear. Not because they were so great, but because
she just wanted to hear them.

So I actually though about it. And I love her because:

1. She's not afraid to be herself
2. She's not afraid to fight for things she believes in
3. She's a proud person
4. She's strong person
5. She's smart (In a non-geeky way)
6. She's funny
7. She likes music
8. She has spiritual foundation
9. She's versatile
10.She's open minded
11. She has a beauty that shines from the inside out (Very strange)
12. She's emotional
13. She's conscious
14. She knows style
15. She "looks out" for me and my best interest
16. She values family
17. She's not afraid of being wrong
18. She's down fo da cause
19. She sees the beauty in me, when I don't see it in myself
20.She's just a well rounded individual who picks up where I leave off.

I mean...need I say more...

Played Out...

2006-11-30T08:21:00.000-05:00

Okay, I have a running list of shit that I think is played out. Some of these things are things that I still like, things that I still want, and things that are perfectly exceptable. But often times I find myself discusssing certain shit and I just get totally annoyed like come on, that shit is played out. Here is 20 from my list, not my top 20, but 20...

1. Racism
2. Being gay
3. Chrysler 300's
4. Dodge Charger
5. Big butts
6. Ipods
7. Locks
8. Corn rows
9. Belts worn under your breast
10. Suicide bombers
11. Bluetooth ear pieces
12. Being a rapper
13. Fighting
14. Nike boots
15. Being bi-racial w/ long hair
16. Music videos w/ a bunch of girls in it
17. Sweatin' Beyonce
18. G.W. Bush
19. Being a Democrat or a fucking Republican
20. Smoking

Okay...that really got a lot off of my chest.

:)

Foggy Morning...

2006-11-29T08:56:00.000-05:00

This morning as the train plowed thru the fog, I began chatting with a former grad student from my schoool. He made mention of finishing his PhD and asked about my thesis. Of course I cringe anytime anyone asks about my thesis, becuase it's just been a haunting force in my life lately. I finished my coursework a year and a half ago and have yet to complete my thesis. Why? Because I was burned out.

By the time I reached the end of my coursework I was working 40+ hours a week at a job that was suffering from poor manangement, poor ethics and poor morale. And need I say that I HATED my job! My social life was pretty pitiful, being as though, by that time I was interacting with folks for sheer entertainment, not knowing that I was being depleated by my poor choice in company. My friendships were wailing, suffering from miscommunication and mental seperation. My landlord was an attention seeking Cancer that mentally dueled me at any given moment, insulting my sexuality, my commen fucking sense and my at-home peace of mind. So with all of that going on, who the fuck could think about a 100 page document.

Now a year and a half later, the paper still haunts me. I need to graduate. Just for closure sakes.
And then I get an email this morning from an old class mate asking how I was and if I had finished my thesis. NO! Fucking NO, I'm not finished! I think people ask you, knowing damn well you didn't. Either way, I've brought closure to a few old demons this year, so if I can take this one out, I will be proud! Hmmm, proud. I like the way that sounds. I don't think that I've been proud of anything that I've done before. This would make a great start...

Men have it Good...

2006-11-28T12:04:00.000-05:00

I sit here and wonder why men HAVE IT SO DAMN GOOD. From what I've seen, men serve women up anything that they want, but they don't take too much shit from ANY woman, besides their momma. The shit is disgusting. Men put women in all types of bullshit situations and women sit and ponder what to do, until he does the next thing, and the next thing, and the next damn thing.

And to me, it seems as though, the stronger you are, the more they try to prove that you're not so tough. And they wear at you and chip away at you, until you break. When I dated guys, it appeared as though they hated my independence and my simple demands of treat me the way you want to be treated. It almost like some men hate women. I really believe that some do. Otherwise, why would you be so disrespectful to women.

Men put women in situations that THEY wouldn't even tolerate. WHY?

And I hate to say it, but the problem seems to be WOMEN. We just take and deal with any fukking thing. And it doesn't matter how pretty you are, how nice your body is, how much you have to offer...men treat all of them like shit. And women just wait and wait for him to get himself together, when you should be getting yourself together because obviously somethings aint right!

And I can further attest to part of the problem being women, because I date them, and I hear the dumbest stories that I've ever heard of and watch people stand for nothing. Stories that would sound ten times worse if it were about a male-female relationship. Where do we draw the line...

So maybe the question is why don't women care more about themselves. We're so powerful, yet so weak...visonary, yet so blind...dumb, yet so fukkin STUPID.

I'm so upset...

Going out...

2006-11-27T08:39:00.000-05:00

Tweety Bird and I often laugh and cringe at the fact that we don't really go out. And it's not because we just loooooove being in the house, up under each other. It's moreso because we just haven't found anywhere that's to our complete liking. Either way, this past Friday we decided to go and do the young adult thing and "GO OUT".

We had just woke up from a afternoon nap and I was like, "let's go out". To her amazement, she was like, "for real". Anyhoo, we called one of her friends and she stated that she was going to a DC "ladies night" spot. So we got dressed, and I tried my best not to look 30 and pretend that I'd had actually gone shopping for something other than work clothes in the last 6 months. Lol! So we went to Outback to eat, then off to DC.

After taking about 30 minutes of trying to find parking, we walked by a nice belligerent young black man, who proceded to taunt us and use profanity to lure us into some spot he was in front of. Whereas I brushed it off, Tweety Bird felt disrespected and compelled to do something about it. But off we walked, cause it was too damn cold to argue with a jackass.

At the door, the chick politely asked for $15 a piece, which is fucking outragous to me, because I know that there isn't anything in there worth 15 damn dollars! But inside I was relieved because the night's arrangement was for me to pay for dinner and her to pay for admission. I guess I beat cause dinner damn sure wasn't $30.

Anyway we met with her friend and posted on the wall, looking at the sights. Feeling totally out of touch, because there were SO many damn characters there. Now, I can completely understand why "straight" people come up with dumb assumptions and questions about "gay" people. I was in there, wantin' to ask a few dumb questions of my own, shit.

After 2 vodka and cranberrys with rail vodka, I was ready to go. So Tweety Bird popped the question:

Who would you talk to in here, if you were single?

The answer to both of our questions, resorted back to someone we had talked to before. Both picks were attractive and these were both people we'd never done anything with. And by the looks of the mini conversations that we individually had with both, they would have taken any propositions. Hmpf! We still got! Lol. And although the club was full of attractive females of all sorts, we knew that 98% of them were probably crazy. *sigh* The young lady I picked kept staring my way, to the point where Tweety noticed. I looked her way occasionally myself, nothing sexual, I just hadn't seen her in a while. And I'm sure fresh azz gazed at her unconquered territory too, just enough not to get the beat down from me.

Oh, how could I forget this part. Snoop from The Wire was there. Young ladies swoomed her way occasionally asking to take a pciture with her on their camera phones. It was funny. Tweety felt like PLEEZE, I guess because she knew of her before her HBO days. Whatever.

So in conclusion, going out reminded us that we're not missing anything on the club scene and that we need to be forever grateful that we're not single, considering the available stock.

Blu...

2006-11-21T11:48:00.000-05:00

A young lady at my old job, politely circled the building asking if anyone wanted a free kitten. Me, a lonely, single, socially defected chic, who had previously killed 13 tropical fish that I tried to make my pet, decided that I would like a kitten.

I named her Blu...Blu Berry Moore to be exact.

I never had a cat before, only dogs. So Blu was somewhat of an experiment for me. Little did I know that I was being given a fukkin CRACK CAT.

THE BEGINNING

Blu was tiny day from day one and remained a tiny cat. So I often got questioned about whether or not I was feeding her or if she was a kitten. But little did they know, that this bitch wouldn't eat! It was like she was on some picky shit. I bought expensive shit, cheap shit and she didn't seem to like any of it. A day and a half would go by and her bowl would stay full. Hmpf, after a while, I was like "well BITCH don't eat then"!

Blu wasn't very fond of being picked up and had little problem with biting and scratching. One day at work in a meeting, the Director looked at my hands and asked me what was wrong with them. I never noticed that both of my hands were covered with dark marks from healed bites and scratches. They looked a little junky-like.

Blu also loved to break things. Throughout her stay she bit into the cords and therefore broke, 3 lamps, and an $80 iron. She also knocked down and broke various vases, glasses, candleholders, and flower pots.

THE CLIMAX

Oh, you thought we reached that already? Shiiiiiidddd, lol. One night as I lie peacefully in bed, I was awakened by this loud ass crashing noise. I woke up and in the dark all I could see was 2 glowing little eyes on top of my 8 foot wardobe. Delirious and enraged I walked towards the wardrobe only to find the floor covered with rocks and broken glass from a vase display that was ontop of the wardrobe. This demon apparently knocked it over...for fun. So that I don't incriminate, "someone" grabbed her with one hand and launched her ass from off of the wardrobeand threw her into the next room. All I heard was a MEOW and a loud thump as she hit the floor.

That loud thump was her hitting a wooden floor after being thrown about 15 feet. That touchdown costed me over $300 in vet bills as she recovered from a broken leg. Have you ever seen a cat in a splint?? Talk about not right? Priceless.

Occasionally I would come home and find Blu in mysterious circumstances. For example(s):

1. I came home and found her bound in a telephone cord. (You know, one of the 50ft ones, for those too cheap to buy a cordless? Yeah, that one) She was laying in the living room wrapped completely in the cord, so much so, that she couldn't even get up to walk. Now how she did this...I DO NOT KNOW. But the dummy wouldn't even let me cut it off of her and proceded to try to bite me evertime I came near her. I had to put on gloves to get it off her. Oh and she must have been pulling on the cord so hard, she broke the phone jack on the wall.

2. Then there was the time, after she had just gotten spade. She was obviously walking on the hanger rod in the coat closet and got tangled in the bag of a coat that I just bought. Either way, by the time I found her, she was lying there balancing herself on the closet rod, while a plastic bag was wrapped around her, to prevent her from getting down. The coats in the closet had spots on them and the closet smelled. Blu, obvious took a piss on my NEW coat and leaked who knows what on my other coats, because she obviously irritated the stitches that she had in her stomach. Unfortunately, it was coat that I had planned to return. So guess what went to the dry cleaners and back to Macy's! Ewwwww...I know, I know...trife!

3. She also like to climb in my underwear drawer (disgusting, right). Anyway she did that one morning without me noticing and I politely closed it and went to work. So guess who was trapped in a drawer for about 9 hours! I came home and saw a little paw hanging out of the drawer and busted out laughing!

4. There was also the time I was looking everywhere for her, just to find her behind the stove. I guess she had fallen.

MORE IGNORANCE...

5. There was the time I was eating some soup. Guess who came by and jumped in my lap, landing one paw in my bowl and splashing the remainder of my soup in my face and on my clothes!!!!

6. One time, I was doing what I do in my bed... and just as my other was about to do what she does....Blu came from nowhere and ran right over my chica's face and on her head. YO!!!! Talk about fukkin classic. I mean, what do you do when you're about to and a cat tramples all over you fukkin face and then runs out the room???

THEE END

You would think that I would have gotten rid of her a long time ago, but I didn't cause she was my experiment, right, and I wasn't going to quit!

Late last year, my asthma began flaring up. It was to the point where I couldn't even sleep cause I couldn't breathe. That night I had to drive all the way to my parent's house to use my dad's inhaler. I was like...somethings not right, my asthma was under control. So I went to the allergy and asthma dude. He did some tests. And he was like you're relly allergic to cats. I'm like, shit. I did a breathing test and he was like, you're only using 75% of your lungs. So I'm like I have a crazy cat, who is also KILLING me, literally. None of my friends wanted to adopt her cause they new about her track record. So I was then prescribed 3 different daily meds that I had to take everyday for forever, I guess.

About 3 years in, Blu was better, but not golden. She refused to let me sleep. At night she would climb under the bed and scratch scratch scratch or scratch at the door if the door was closed. To the point where I had to lock her up, under a crate (with weights on top) EVERY night. I knew Blu's clock was ticking, cause I got to the point where I just felt like there was nothing I could do to help her get right. I really that realized her clock was ticking when the bitch ran and jumped onto the screen in the window (like Spider Man), paused and jumped back off. Did I forget to tell you that we live on the FUKKIN 11th FLOOR?!!!!!

That day Tweety and I gasped as we saw the screen bow outwards towards the street. Silently wishing that the screen would give way. That's when I knew that it was about that time.

The final kicker was close to my birthday when I was walking along in the living room, minding my business and Blu decided to wrap herself around my leg, with her claws dug in, and bite me. Before I could snap out of shock and grab her she jumped off and ran. I had blood running down my leg from 4 different places.

So for my birthday, I decided to treat myself to a trip to the SPCA. Which is where I paid $25 to get rid of my precious pet. I felt bad, but liberated.

As I drove home, I sat and wondered why she acted that way from 6 weeks old to 3 years old. What had I done to deserve such torture? I really don't know.

I recently realized that I haven't missed her one day. I laugh at the memories now, but that shit wasn't all that funny then.

So this Blog is in memory of Blu...Blu Berry Moore to be exact.
I still love you...but I don't miss your ass, bee-otch!

Lol...I Love You Blu!!!

Strip Club...

2006-11-20T08:42:00.000-05:00

Saturday wasn't all that I had dreamed of and by night fall it actually left me feeling drained and real looser like. Too blown and tired to go anywhere nice and too bored to stay in the house. So after watching a movie and sipping on a drizzink, I decided to go to the STRIP CLUB.

In theory, going to the strip club is a basic event. But in reality it was something else. There is a particularly decent strip club in Bmore, where the girls are pretty cute, bodies are decent and the place doesn't look like a hole in the wall. So that's where I decided to go. BUT because this place is pretty decent, there is "dike-ban" as I call it. Because once apon a time it was come one, come all, but because (in my opinion) sooo many women started coming there and taking over, they made up this great rule of how every woman has to be accompanied by a man.

Lesson for Today

Reasons why too many women isn't good for da club:

1. The men customers pay more attention to the
fully dressed women customers.

2. The strippers pay more attention to the women
customers.

3. Men get annoyed with lesbians, invading their
sacred spot.

All of the above is understood, but these truths made my little adventure really EXTRA. So after finding a great parking spot, I walks towards the club, looking for a male patron to tag along with to get in and then abandon as I cross the threshold. And moments later...WA-LA! I found 2 males and a female approaching the establishment. I'm like yes! I'm in. First dude shows ID and before my eyes, my lil' skripper dreams were ruined. Dude was obviously 12 years old, cause he couldn't get in and the remainder of his party turned around with him at the door. Leaving me without a guy to get in. Now, I had already belittled myself to ask complete strangers to let me walk with them to get in the club and I couldn't muster up the strength to do it again. So that was it for me, back to my car.

I left a little humilated. I felt like a little kid trying to get someone to buy me alcohol or to get into a Rated R movie. I was like DA FUKK, I'm a grown azz young woman. This is ridiculous! I looked at myself and I didn't feel too good. The scene was just so sad. All I wanted was a little scenary as I drank away my pain. But nooooooo...I have to be subjected to foolery. Now the question is, why can't I find a nice "lesbian" strip club to go to? Easy answer...THERE AREN'T ANY HERE!!!!!

As to why, that's another blog...

So, in conclusion, I spent my Saturday night drinking Coronas and eating salty chicken wings at a local bar. Watching as blacks and whites segregatedly attempt to share the same party space together. Booooooo...fukking.....boooooooooooooo...

Perception...

2006-11-17T14:13:00.000-05:00

Perception is subjective. It bothers me. And perception isn't always the truth, which is another thing that makes it tricky. What you may percieve me to be, may be completely untrue. But it might as well be as good as gold to others cause they get the judgement ball and run like Jamal Lewis.

I like to think of myself as a chameleon. Because I tend to blend into my environment. I have little desire to present the real me to most of the world. So sure in a sense what I present is me, but it's not even half of the whole show. Sadly a lot of the things that people gather about me is a little...ummm not to my liking but, it is what it is. I have come to the conclusion that it is like a protective covering. That allows people to pick at one person, while you hold on safely to the real you. The you that isn't shatter proof.

Hmpf! I keep that me contained, like good china. Lol!
Why? Because the world is cold and people are careless with the things that are most precious in life. I occasionally let the head poke out, but it's seldom safe. I don't necessarily advise that this technique be used, but it's the only one I know. If I don't look out for the real me, who will...

I Love My Girlfriend...

2006-11-16T11:16:00.000-05:00

Love, is so complicated. It's a great Litmus Test (Yeah, I took that back to high school Chemistry! Lol.) But it is. Because really loving someone means that you are willing to love through the good and the bad. And to be honest how much bad you're willing to deal with depends on how much you love YOURSELF, but that's another blog.

I believe in my soul that her and I were placed together for reasons far greater than we can concieve. I was meant to be in her life and she was meant to be in mine. I always felt that whomever you decide to share your life with, that person should help make you a better person. And I think that it's a naturally occuring process, you know on some you're the Yin to my Yang, sht.

Sometimes we feel as though our relationship was a prearranged marriage. And that we
just went along with the ceremony. And I hate to get corny, but it's like when you know, you know. So societal timelines, no longer apply. And of course judgement comes with that, but I wouldn't expect anyone to understand. Sht, I barely do!

It's like we were sent to each other to heal each others souls. To make up for each others shortcomings. I feel like we HAD to meet and experience each and bear our offerings. And even if a wall is reached on our earthly relationship, it's irrelevant because we've made footprints on each others hearts and souls.

I feel like she's my sister, my friend, my daughter, my teacher, my mother. I can't explain it. I feel so connected even when I don't want to be. It's like the more I learn about us, the more I learn about me. It's like I'm growing as an individual as we grow as a couple. Like someone squeezed 11 years into 11 months.

This blog isn't on some Romanticism, I didn't even cut that sht on yet, Lol, this is on some it is what it is sht. And actually, I really don't feel like gender is even involved here, it's just naked soul. Hmpf, I may have been her husband in another life (if you believe in that).

Anyway... I Love My Girlfriend...and words don't do it no justice.

Wolverine...

2006-11-16T09:31:00.000-05:00

My TWEETY BIRD has an angah managemnt problem. For serious!!! She has the rage of a 1,000 horses. Me, because I'm retarded, I find it somewhat amusing that she can get SO worked up over the smallest things. So when she rants and raves, I usually sit there with the dick look, like hummm...interesting. And of course this makes her even more angry. Well I guess there is a pattern. She goes off and I think that she's not serious and then a little later after the bursting of 2 blood vessels I realize that she's serious.

And it really gets dumb when that anger is directed towards me. When she yells at me, it's like my ears start to close. And although she's yellin to get a reaction, it's doing the exact opposite. So sad. So sad.

Personally, a part of me thinks that it's some form of bipolarism. Then another part of me thinks that it's an adult version of a spoiled child. Sometimes, I expect her to turn GREEN and say "You wouldn't like me, when I'm angry".

It's like when she has an episode, she's hears nothing, sees nothing and feels nothing but her rage. I can honestly say that it completely consumes her. COMPLETELY. It's almost like she can't control it. It's like she physically transforms too, she even looks different. It's really like I don't know her.

The dumb funny part is, she says that I've never seen her really angry before. HA!!

And after she tucks away her X-Men suit, she's back to normal, laughing and joking, looking around like " Hey what's going on". What an ass.

I tell you, be careful what you ask for, you just might get it.
I prayed for me to find love and that shit came with an attitude!

Oh well...

Afraid to Fly…

2006-11-16T09:30:00.001-05:00

For just about all of my life I have been a scaredy cat. Not in the most common sense, but in more subtle ways that only few would notice. My biggest fear is SUCESS. Yes, success. I don't recall giving most things even half of my best. And I haven't quite put my finger on the reason why. I'd like to think it's laziness, but according to my TWEEDY BIRD, she says that it's my momma. And I can see why cause, my mother never wanted me to really go anywhere special, do anything special, etc..

For example my mom wanted me to go to "trade school" for high school to learn a trade so that I would know who to do something and really wasn't all that impressed by me going to a college-preparatory high school and going to a university and graduating. To be honest, I really don't know what she wanted me to do, but I think that she was more focused on what she didn't want me doin'. Which is understandable considering my siblings' track records.

Pardoning the possible influence of my momma and getting back to me...I have declared myself in the past as a chronic underachiever. Maybe I just haven't found anything that I've wanted to dump my all into. I'm not sure what the hell it is, but as a result, this bird has been soaring the space between the ground and the tree tops, never knowing how it feels to touch the sky.

But maybe not for long...

More lesbian than you...

2006-11-16T09:29:00.001-05:00

I tend to be the bigger lesbian between my girlfriend and I. And I guess I can attribute that to my ongoing fascination of the "culture". She's more like, I like what I like and as a result I do what I do. I on the other hand, I savor each moment, as entertaining, amusing, sensual, alluring, captivating, inviting, etc.. But that'e me. It's not all "ooo's and ahhh's" though, I often get annoyed by sistrens behavior. I enjoy going to lesbian clubs, getting lesbian pictures, watching lesbians shows, going to lesbian events, reading lesbian books...And the last one is what inspired this blog. An rumor email was sent to me about Beyonce and ? (dag, I forgot her name already) starring as lesbos in a remake of "Tipping the Velvet". I'm not excited, why? Cause they're not lesbians. But I'm prejudging. I'm not the kind that's all caught up in two female looking lustful in bikinis, as they nibble on each other for attention. Yeah, I'll pass on that. It's the real thing that captures me most. I don't even like girl-on-girl porn. I guess it's because it just doesn't look right. I'm like, "what the hell they doin, I hope I don't look like that". I'm still trying to find some good ones, to no avail. *sigh*

But back to what I was saying... I wanted to go to the GLAAD awards in DC this year. the tickets were about $100 a piece. And I wasn't quite ready for that commitment at the time, but I wanted to go. I even sent an email to go as a volunteer. Never heard from them, but I tried. I just wanted to be there, for the cause. Plus, I didn't have a thing to wear. I even wanted to go to the Gay Olympics. Was my Tweety Bird, even concerned? NO. When I talk excitedly about those things, she just nods and gives me the "what a big dike" stare. I'm gonna make it somewhere gay next year. I must! And I'll drag Tweety with me. Hmpf!

Anyhoo, I have decided to go and get the book "Tipping the Velvet" and I'll see how it goes.

Cirque du Soleil

2006-11-16T09:28:00.000-05:00

Last night I went to see Cirque du Soleil-Corteo. Very interesting show. Impressive presentation of human talent. The show was supposed to be about a clown who has a dream about his funeral taking place at a carnival. Ummm...I really didn't get all of that, but I guess if I squinted hard enough I could. Attending the show with 4 other women was my Cirque du Soleil (Circus of the Sun). Why? Because brought together were 5 radiant women, shedding their light in their own distinctive ways. All beautiful, all illuminating. A collection of Sun beams. And a collection of issues too. Lol. But isn't that what makes us special? Hee hee...

As I recall conversations that took place, it reminds me of the strength and the struggle in Black women. I enjoyed the fellowship. It was like a text book sampling of women who are in different social phases of life all aiming for what appears to be the same goal...HAPPINESS.

Well anyway I started with a point and I seem to have lost my way. So Imma wrap it up and go get me a cup of Joe so I can type about TWEETY BIRD's anger management problem.

My girlfriend has MS...

2006-11-02T12:22:00.000-05:00

My girlfriend was diagnosed with MS, 9 short months after we made our arrangement "official". And shortly following that diagnoses was an attack.

Heart breaking.

At this point, one has to think twice before claiming to marry and be with a person forever. Because the nuptials now officially include "in sickness". When it finally sunk in that my girlfriend has an illness that persistantly tries to chip away at her brain function and that could possibly leave her handicapped, I cried. No big deal right? Wrong. Major big deal. Crying is something that I try to do sparingly. We recently talked about her fear of being handicapped and I joked about how I would dress her in rainboots and little matching hats. A little classless, but I thought it was funny.

And I guess that's it, that's all that I have to say about it.
This story started with a climax and ended with the same one, no build up or "spoken word" here, just straight thoughts, in thier simplest form.